Survivor: Vampire Island The Director's Cut
by Master of the Boot
Summary: Having had the pleasure to collaborate on the Hellsing-Twilight crossover by Lion in the Land, I have decided to release a special director's cut with all cursing, blood and nudity intact. Read, review and enjoy :D
1. Part 1: The race to the Soyombo

Survivor: Vampire Island-The Director's Cut

Author Note: I have had the pleasure to work with the wonderful author Lion in the Land on her amazing story. _Survivor: Vampire Island_. As fun and as great as it is to work with her, sometimes I have to make compromises with her when it comes to my contributions in our collaboration. So it was her idea that I take what I've done and make a director's cut with all the blood, gore, guts and fucking swearing left intact.

The basic premise of this story is that it focuses on a game of the reality TV show Survivor starring the cast of Both Hellsing and Twilight. I suggest you read Lion in the Land's story first, but whatever floats your boat :) And for the record, she does favour the Hellsing cast over the other bunch, except for Jasper. She loves him.

Disclaimer: I own nothing. This is a non-profit endeavor and Hellsing and Twilight belong to their respective owners. The lyrics used belong to the band Motorhead and is the song called _sucker_. I do not own that song or Motorhead.

* * *

Jasper flinches. He glances toward his brother, and then turns his eyes to his new partner. Alucard flashes Jasper a lecherous grin, and the Unstet feels his impervious skin crawl. For a moment, Alucard lowers his barriers and allows Edward a clear glimpse of what he's thinking. This time it's Edward who flinches. He pities Jasper, but thinks that maybe spending some alone time with the likes of Hellsing's lead vampire will help his brother to be a little more appreciative and forgiving of those who care about him.

Oh who the hell is he kidding? He's praying that Jasper comes out of this experience without having the living fuck raped out of him. If what he's read is true, Alucard is a man who gets a stiff from fear and pain and Jasper is giving off the former in abundance.

"Each team chooses a garbage can," Probst instructs. "On my go, you will run to the can, pull out the map and get started.

"Survivor's ready? Go!"

Deeper in the jungle, Jasper leads and Alucard follows. This is how the dissimilar duo progresses for some time: Jasper doing all the work of navigation and orientation while Alucard is content to laugh, sing and make strange noises. The duo had originally taken off from the beach, running like mad, but through Alucard's persistent effort, they are now slowed down to a gentle walk.

While he doesn't say it out loud, Jasper is puzzled and a little repulsed by Alucard. Before coming to this island, he had expected Alucard to be a strong and sadistic personality, a mighty military leader type. Contrarily, he found Alucard to be craven psychopath with virtually no impulse control. If Jasper were to guess, Alucard has the morality of Calgiula. And now that he's been out of his master's presence for more than two minutes, he's more like a brain damaged lunatic.

Jasper continues to read the map. Behind him Alucard is running in circles and pretending that he's an airplane. The centuries old Nosferatu has his arms held out to the side while he makes buzzing noises with his mouth. He obviously doesn't think that Jasper is worth the pretense of good behavior, so he simply does whatever he wants. The sparkling civil war veteran looks back at his map and reads the next instructions aloud in the vain hope that he can get Alucard to pull his fair share. "Head up stream; when you reach the _soyombo _in the grass, turn forty seven degrees towards West."

The blond Cullen waits for some response, some sign that Alucard actually heard what he said. Alucard is currently walking forward on his hands and singing some of his favorite heavy metal songs.

_Now we are like how we were_

_Innocence is more than words_

_Now we are poison and we don't care_

_We have no shame, we strip you bare_

_And you're so precious, lost in smoke_

_Too busy laughing to see the Joke_

_Nobody knows if you've won or you lost_

_Into the palace or up on the cross_

_Into the gravy or into the ground_

_We just don't want you around, sucker! (1)_

Jasper can't help but sneer in disgust. Both of his brothers are in some way stupid and arrogant, but they have positive personality traits to compensate for those flaws. Edward is highly intelligent while Emmett is as loyal as can be. Jasper can't think of a single positive trait to apply to Alucard, except that he's good for a laugh…when viewed from a distance.

Alucard gets off his hands and back onto his feet. Next to the pair is a fast flowing river, roughly two meters across. The river has snaked this way and that for a great distance. Jasper tries to get Alucard's attention once more, "Why can't we run instead of walk? We'd have already completed half the challenge if we could at least jog."

Alucard begins to skip instead, but apparently he has heard the Cullen, because he responds, "I don't like to run. I like to stroll gently and enjoy the scenery."

Jasper irritably shoves the map into his pocket and begins to look for the _soyombo_ thingy, whatever that is. "We're racing against two other teams; time is of the essence."

Alucard offhandedly comments, "Oh right, we're racing for the fate of your family." He really couldn't care less.

Jasper is starting to get frustrated with Alucard and his childlike stubbornness. "You might not care for the sake of my family, but I'm sure I don't need to remind you that you are under orders from your master."

Alucard gets off of his hands and begins to strut alongside Jasper. "I have not hindered you in any way. Besides, you did pretty well on the last fifteen clues. I've never really been good with puzzles."

Knowing that further conversation with the Nosferatu will only fuel his headache, Jasper decides to press ahead until he can find this blasted thing in the grass. He has no idea what a soyombo is. Perhaps Alucard knows, but Jasper doesn't relish talking any more to the Hellsing trump card than he absolutely has to.

Alucard's wide smile is quite genuine; he feels frustration emanating off his partner, regardless of how much the empathic Unstet tries to mask it. The frustration itself isn't what brings him such joy; it's the fact that he's the one causing that frustration.

The tall vampire begins to fiddle with his glasses and his hat in his hands; he'd removed them both at the start of the hike. In a sympathetic tone of voice he starts to ask, "So, how is everything going?"

Jasper bites down on his tongue out of irritation. Rather than answer truthfully, he replies, "Fine."

Against the laws of physics, Alucard's smile widens as he puts his glasses and hat back into his coat. "That's very good. I'd expected you to be almost insane with rage after your mate was wounded and then taken by Nazi scum to God knows what sort of horrible fate."

Ouch, Alucard is hitting awfully close to home. Jasper is intensely worried about Alice. He tries to ignore Alucard's goading and purge all emotion from his system by reciting important dates from the Civil War in his mind.

Alucard suddenly jumps into a tree and runs across the branches like a satanic monkey. Jasper isn't the least bit interested by Alucard's goofy antics. Through a superhuman act of will, he focuses on the task at hand and notices that they're approaching a grassy clearing up ahead.

Alucard lands in front of Jasper as quietly as a leaf. Walking backwards, he shoves his face into Jasper's until their noses almost touch. The Cullen son almost winces; Alucard's breathe stinks. Honestly, it smells like a refrigerator full of rancid meat that was fresh two years ago. It's amazing and very fortunate that he hadn't been able to smell it from further away.

Alucard continues to spout diarrhea of the verbal variety. "Your attitude surprises me; I thought you loved your mate. When Edward lost his little cow, he was beside himself with grief. I'm not an empath, but even I could see that."

Oh, Alucard is hitting really close to heart with these viscous barbs. Jasper can't remember the last time somebody has made him this angry. It's not just the insults about Alice -- it's the fact that this degenerate thinks he's so much better than him. Jasper can feel the gloating arrogance oozing off of Alucard like the stench wafting off of a corpse. He wants to reach out and slap that arrogant grin off his stupid face. Emmett wouldn't have hesitated to smack Alucard, but Jasper is about a thousand times smarter than his robust brother. He knows what Alucard is capable of and that he's expecting him to play at this petty game.

Dramatically turning around and walking ahead of Jasper, Alucard saunters in a way that could be -- if he weren't so powerful and well loved by the audience -- considered gay. "But really, Rose didn't show any grief for her mate, either. I guess you two have something in common."

Jasper almost betrays his emotions on his face; the strain of reining them in is taking its toll. He and Rose are nothing alike! Sure, they both wanted to kill Bella Swan, but that's where their similarities end. Jasper has nothing in common with the preppy, spoiled princess that is Rosalie.

"But you two did almost kiss, didn't you?" Alucard asks with mocking innocence.

The statement shocks Jasper; Alucard has read his mind.

"That's right; I read your mind, and singing _The Song of the South_ is not going to stop me from seeing all your secrets." Unlike Edward, Alucard takes a malicious and voyeuristic pleasure in reading people's minds, particularly when they're thinking naughty or compromising thoughts.

And Alucard is right; Jasper did almost kiss that stupid bitch. God, now that he looks back, what on earth had he been thinking? He almost cheated on Alice, his very reason for living, and for a stupid game? Jasper tries to defend himself. "But…but Edward almost kissed Integra."

This earns him a shrug from Alucard, "Yes, well, my master isn't some horrible witchy woman who thinks her shit is made of pure gold." Some would argue otherwise, but Alucard disagrees. "And also, Integra is _not _Edward's sister! You damn Cullens say you're a family -- act like it! You can be either a coven or a family, not both! How far are we to the next clue?"

Pleased that Alucard finally has his mind on the job, Jasper allows himself to feel a little relief. "The next clue we're supposed to find is something in that field called a soyombo. Do you have any idea what that is?"

Alucard's answer is maddeningly unhelpful, "Yes I do." He does not elaborate.

Jasper tries to be reasonable while sharing as few words as possible with Alucard. "Would you please tell me what it is or point it out to me?"

Alucard holds up a finger in yet another dramatic pose. "Better yet, I'll find it myself. Follow me, Bubba!"

The southern boy is offended by Alucard's derogatory term for a good ol' boy. "Don't call me Bubba." He is ignored by his partner.

"Whatever, Bubba, just follow my lead." And then the possibly bipolar vampire in red sprints off to find whatever it is that he won't explain to Jasper.

It's nearing dusk, and the search through the field proves to be an endless game of Ring Around the Rosie, with Alucard leading Jasper in perpetual circles. Jasper feels like he's being forced to work with a dog that's not been trained for obedience. At this point, working alongside a real dog, like Jacob Black, would be a pleasure.

Suddenly, Alucard stops and Jasper nearly runs into him. Jasper watches as Alucard bends down and begins to push back grasses that have been carefully woven over an object. Despite the grass covering it, Jasper might have caught sight of the object, if he hadn't been too busy tuning out Alucard's taunts about his speed.

With the grass mesh torn away, Alucard reveals his prize -- a human skull. Drawn in red on the skull is a strange symbol. It's a complex image, which is actually a fusion of several stylized images; chief among them is a flame burning over the moon and a yin/yang symbol.

Jasper gazes on the skull. "That's a soyombo?"

The Hellsing vampire gazes on the skull proudly. "It's a symbol out of Mongolia. I know that you only like to study the Civil war, but if you'd paid attention to history you'd know that far Eastern symbols and religion were all the rage among extreme right wing movements. Both the symbol and the swastika were popular among the Nazis and other occult worshiping groups."

Jasper is unimpressed by Alucard's knowledge; he detects deceitful emotions coming off of him. "How long have you known about the location of this thing."

Alucard turns over the skull in his hands and rubs a finger on the elongated canines. "I knew it was there at least fifteen minutes ago. I could smell the blood that this holy Mongol symbol was written with and feel the power eminating off of it."

Jasper is angered, but not shocked by Alucard's whimsy and capriciousness. For every minute they dally, Alice could be in danger.

He hears a dark chuckle from Alucard. "Little Alice is probably having the time of her life. Those Nazis are likely giving her the good, deep dicking that she so craves."

Jasper can't help himself; he begins to growl.

Alucard is as detached as ever. "I like growling; it's much scarier than hissing." Passing the skull from hand to hand, he squares up and faces his southern companion. "Yes, Alice is most likely enjoying a thorough pounding. It must be hard for her, having a husband with a limp prick."

This time Jasper's jaw drops. How did he-

"Despite my captivity, I still have quite a few connections on the outside. I simply hired a few friends to investigate you and your family the moment I heard about this little contest. These friends of mine proved their worth as investigators; I now know volumes about you and your family. Like how you haven't been able to fuck your wife since nineteen seventy-two."

Jasper is beyond angry now; Alucard has cut to the core of him and found out his dirty little secret.

Like a gladiator with the upper hand, Alucard attacks for all it's worth. "Really Jasper, why do they keep you around? What possible use could your family have for you? You've the weakest resistance to human blood, you've no compassion, you're useless to your wife, and you're useless as a brother and a son. Oh you can fight, but a fat lot of good your skills have done your family on this island."

Jasper is so mad that he's seeing red, and his butterscotch eyes have turned completely black. Alucard can feel Jasper's rage; he breaths it in like a sweet perfume.

Alucard continues to twist the knife. "You're the useless one; the afterbirth of the Cullen children. You're a useless sack of lying,"

Jasper grinds his teeth.

"_blood sucking,"_

He bows his legs into a leaping stance.

"_slave taking,"_

The cord snaps on Jasper's self control.

"_TEXAS DOGSHIT!!!"_

Jasper is so fast that it would require an entirely new type of camera to monitor his trajectory. Even to most vampires, he would only be a blur that perhaps Edward might be able to pass, but not by much.

Former Major of the Confederate Army Jasper Whitlock slams into former warlord and Prince Vlad Tepes with such force that the vampire skull in his hands disintegrates into atoms. The pair of them drives a deep trench into the island, uprooting trees and smashing the bedrock like it is only styrofoam.

Jasper and Alucard finally grind to a halt. Jasper has nothing on his mind but to punish this lustful, licentious son of the devil. He can feel Alucard's emotions, and under all his anger, he wishes that he could not. The emotions of the ancient creature known as Alucard are like a tar pit; it is bottomless, sticky filth that entraps everything that touches it.

But when he gazes upon Alucard's face, the Whitlock's emotion turns to horror. By some ancient magic or innate power of the vampyr, Alucard has adopted the visage of the one he provoked. Alucard's face now exactly resembles that of Jasper. No, not exactly.

Jasper sits stunned, staring at what is a distorted mirror image of his own handsomely rugged, yet somehow almost babyish features. But the eyes, which should be topaz, are now fiery ruby, red as blood, and what is supposed to be a perfect row of white teeth is more like a mountain range of broken bone, stained a sick yellow color. The scars, instead of being luminescent crescents visible only in direct sunlight, are ugly ridges that resemble hideous tumors. The long, blond hair is greasy and matted with sticky rust-colored patches and chunks of bone and teeth.

But even through this hideous distortion, not even a fool would fail to recognize it as a clone of Jasper. That is his small, perfect nose, his lush, dark-blond lashes and eyebrows; even the shape of the thin, pink mouth is his, but the hateful, leering grin that it twists into is all Alucard.

Alucard takes advantage of his opponent's shock to mock him yet more. "Awww, is the wittle baby scarred by his war experiences?"

Jasper is about to throw a fist into the daemon's grimace when he feels Alucard's foot connect with his midriff. All the wind leaves his lungs, and the Whitlock is launched high into the clear, peaceful twilight, which glows incongruously on this ghastly scene.

Higher and higher Jasper spins into the wild purple yonder. Up here it's blessedly free of all emotion except his own. In a way, he enjoys the spinning, disorienting peace of this high altitude. Until all of a sudden, he is blindsided by a powerful blow that sends him rocketing back to the volcanic island's vista.

Like a sparkling meteor, Jasper lands with a boom in the crater of the extinct volcano. Though the smooth volcanic stone around him has been pulverized, Jasper himself is unharmed. His brief rest is interrupted when Alucard lands atop of him, still wearing the face of Jasper Whitlock. Jasper tries to shut his eyes, but finds that he can't look away from the nightmarish mask of himself.

Alucard looks like the devil; his nostrils flare, his breathing is heavy, and he foams pink at the mouth. He sprays Jasper with the diseased rose foam as words explode out of his throat. "You _fool_! Do you not see it? I _**want **_to be taken next. I **_want_** to fail this challenge!"

His voice is overpowering and it holds Jasper hostage. "_**I am Alucard!!! I never run, and none can escape my wrath for long!**_"

The emotions coming off of Alucard are like a fire: unstoppable, all consuming and gluttonous. The heat coming from his rage and lust is so great that it would send Lucifer and all the daemons of hell to their knees, begging for mercy

He yanks on Jasper's collar so that they can be truly face to face. As he speaks, his neck muscles strain like steel cables against the confines of the red cravat. "You see that fat Major; how he smiles in that smug way? When I get my gloved hands on him, he will _squeal_ like a _**bitch **_and beg for me to deliver him to whatever hell awaits him." He grunts and snarls.

Behind Alucard, the afterglow of the sun is the color of war: red. It accents perfectly his coat and his eyes. "He will be my new toy, and I'll break him in _**doggy **__style._" As he says this, his long, pointed tongue briefly flashes over his chapped, bleeding lips. "Perhaps I'll break him one, two, three or maybe even _**four **_times before I decide to get to the good stuff. As I plunder and shatter the fat little turd, we will be watched by an audience composed of the severed and mutilated heads of his most loyal followers. It will take _**hours**_ for his men to die by my cruel hand and blade!" Only a fool would fail to see how much Alucard yearns to fulfill all his dreadful threats. It would be fun for him.

Jasper finally understands what Alucard truly is. He's not a man, a dog or a monster. He's something else entirely; something worse. He is the rawest savage in the most primitive jungle, feasting on the bones of a defeated enemy. He is the crudest barbarian, raping man, women and babies as the urge takes him. He is an unbroken rabid wolf, fearless, hungry and imbued with all the craft and guile of earth and heaven. Primeval, bestial, vicious, and implacable; these words and more describe just what Alucard is. And right now he's on top of poor, unwitting Jasper Whitlock.

Once more that voice takes Jasper as prisoner. "**Do you see this, boy**_**?**_" Jasper can't help but look as he sees Jaspercard open his coat to reveal the missiles that the gang stole from Leon Kennedy. Though he doesn't express it, Jasper is surprised and impressed. The missiles are all connected by a length of wire. Having studied explosives and demolition without his mother's approval, he can see that Alucard has taken the five missiles under his coat and turned them into one large bomb.

"**Did you think me idle? Did you think me a dullard? While you played the fool for this pathetic last battalion, I worked to make mine enemies a little surprise.**" His features distort into a mordant rictus grin.

Alucard holds the detonator in his hand, conjured as if by a magician's trick. It's a simple device but ingenious, made from a simple household remote control. "**I possess the sum power of modern knowledge and all the hellish eldritch magic of yesteryear. My magic words are more potent than any, and my scientific knowledge is rivaled only by my power to will. I am-**"

Alucard can't finish his speech, because a small, grey object suddenly flies out of the shadows and begins clawing at Jaspercard's borrowed facial features.

Immediately, Alucard starts to scream like a little girl; high and undignified. "Oh, Jesus! I'm fucking blind!"

Whatever is attacking Alucard has broken Jasper free of Alucard's devilish powers. Immediately, the blond Unstet gets up and surveys his surroundings. They are in the volcanic crater. The fading rays of the dusk are pouring through the hole in the mountain's side that was created by his fall.

Now that he's free of Alucard's voodoo, he feels emotions rolling from across the cave he finds himself in. There at the far end of the cave and just at the edge of the inner wall of the crater is a large wooden crate. Burned into its side is an oversized swastika.

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Tune in next chapter for more bloodshed and goodness brought to you by the Master of the Boot. Lion in the Land was good with this except for a few things that have been restored for your enjoyment.

Thanks for reading and remember to review :)


	2. Part 2: The fight with Rip Van Winkle

Part 2: The Fight with Rip Van Winkle

Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing, Twilight or the song _Mr. Killjoy_ by Lordi. These things are used for non-profit purposes and I personally make no money off of this nor does anybody I know.

Warning: Ahead is intense bloody violence and scenes depicting graphic and unusual rape. Not for the faint of heart. All those who don't enjoy that sort of this turn back now.

For the rest of you bunch, have fun ;)

* * *

Jasper turns away from the mystery crate to look again at Alucard fighting with the small grey object. After much cursing and hopping around, Alucard finally manages to yank it off his face and throw it to the ground. The creature lands on its feet and tenses its haunches. Jasper sees grey fur, long fangs, red eyes. To his utter surprise it's a vampire rabbit.

Jasper lets out a chuckle, but Alucard is less than amused by the little vampy critter. He grunts in pain and rubs his rapidly healing eyes, which only a moment ago had been gouged out by the bunny. His vision clears and the rabbit and the No-Life King size each other up. His face is back to normal and no longer resembles Jasper's evil twin from hell.

The whole scenario is so bizarre that Jasper can't help but ask, "Are you afraid of that rabbit?"

Alucard looks up in mock surprise. "Do you think that's a rabbit? Oh no, my friend, that's not a rabbit." Gracefully, Alucard reaches into his duster and starts to pull out a double-barreled shotgun, which is fully loaded. "It's a clay pigeon." He beams as he aims his twelve-gauge gun at the vampire rabbit. In about thirty seconds, Bugs Bunny will join Daffy Duck in hell.

Just as Alucard squeezes the double triggers, something materializes in front of him. The shotgun pellets harmlessly deflect off the solid chest of Jasper Whitlock, who has intercepted the gunshot on behalf of the rabbit. Alucard can only stare in shock as Jasper grabs his gun and smashes it against the stone walls of the volcano's interior.

This is an outrage! Alucard could never have anticipated this move in a million years. He continues to stare at Whitlock at a loss for words. He thought that he could anticipate every emotion and response of the so-called warrior. He thought that Jasper was nothing more than a dog, a spineless creature that existed only because of the will of others.

He _is_ a dog -- the mongrel does not even abstain of human blood by his own desire; he merely follows the trends set by his family. Why then does he stop Alucard from extracting his petty vengeance on this creature? He cannot fathom Jasper's motive for denying him this small sadistic pleasure. Is it perhaps that Alucard's overly simplistic worldview of men, dogs and monsters cannot account for all the complexities of the natures of vampire and man? Or is it simply that Alucard cannot have known that someone would dare to defy him after he had struck fear into their hearts?

When Alucard does find words, they're hardly profound or mysterious, "How dare you! That gun was a gift from the North London Mafia."

"Why would the North London Mafia give you a gift?" Jasper asks. But really, he's only half surprised by anything the Nosferatu says anymore. What's more surprising is that he'd been able to sneak the weapon past CBS security on the way in.

As the two speak, the vampire rabbit begins to hop towards the big wooden box on the crater's edge.

Ignoring his prey, Alucard smiles as if Jasper were an idiot, and says enticingly, "Let's just say that I cannot disobey the Hellsing family, but they pay for shit. Now, the Mafia on the other hand are quite generous to those that offer their services with excellence."

Jasper's attention is caught by the bunny, and he follows it towards the mystery box. He's suddenly aware of an excitement radiating from the crate. By the level and variation of the emotion, his gift tells him that the box contains about ten or eleven people.

Alucard is not blind to Jasper's diverted attention. He senses the alien presence, as well, but only feels disappointment that the Major would resort to something as boring as ghoul-like creatures to entertain him. He's having much more fun taunting the Cullen boy. He chases after him while raising his voice. "That's right; I have secret dealings with the Mafia. THat's right, I have done all kinds of bad things. I deal and cook crystal meth, I engage in grand theft autho and I even babysit the boss's daughter from time to time. If you ever need any top grade weed . . ." He expects the comment about the weed to grab Jasper's attention, but it fails.

Alucard finally catches up to Jasper. The red light, the last gasp of sun, coming through the opening in the cave causes Jasper to sparkle red. It's a fitting color scheme. The pair stands twenty feet away from the box as the vampire rabbit scratches and gnaws at the sides of it.

Jasper communicates with Alucard free of emotion. "There are people in that box. I think you should go first." He knows that they need to get into the box, but he deduces that whatever is inside might possibly be dangerous.

Alucard sniffs in distaste for a moment and then starts to laugh. "Ha! You're learning a few lessons from me; I like that." The Nosferatu casually struts his stuff over to the box, black hair flowing freely and eyes blazing red.

When Alucard is about six paces from the box, a sound is heard from within. It's the sound of a musket being cocked.

Jasper and Alucard both stiffen at the noise, but neither can react before something amazing happens. Something, some kind of shiny projectile, shoots out of the wood container. It zips through the air so fast that even Alucard can barely track its movements. The magic bullet turns around one hundred and eighty degrees in mid-flight and strikes the vampire bunny. The rabbit is torn to shreds but Jasper can't tell if the rabbit is dead or not. If it truly is a vampire and the heart is intact, then the rabbit will survive.

Twisting and turning in a midair ballet, the magic bullet jerks this way and that before it strikes Alucard in the head, reducing his over-inflated noggin to a gory mist. Alucard's headless body falls and is struck by the magic bullet at least a dozen more times before it finally hits the ground. Alucard must have spirited his bombs into a kind of null space, because he does not explode.

Jasper tries to run, but even his thousand-and-one-foot-per-second speed is not enough to evade this strange projectile. Before he can blink his topaz eyes, the magic bullet strikes him dead in the heart. The force of the impact causes Jasper to slam against a cave wall. The bullet twists and turns several times in insane patterns before it strikes Jasper again, this time through his lower back and out his stomach.

The cave rumbles from Jasper's impact; several tons of volcanic rock land on top of him. Effortlessly, he throws the dark grey stone off of him and assesses the damage to his body. The entry wound of the magic bullet is small, but the exit wounds are the size of bowling balls. He can feel that several of his ribs are shattered, and the muscles below his left shoulder blade and in his abdomen are obliterated. On the floor in front of him he can see the missing pieces of himself scattered around like shards of statue. Except that shards of statue don't crawl towards each other and unite to form larger pieces.

Jasper immediately begins to run towards the pieces and shove them into the new holes in his body. The venom that courses through the body of every Unstet also functions as superglue to hold dismembered body parts in place long enough for them to reattach. Almost immediately, Jasper feels shards of his body moving around and fitting into place. The muscles and bones will fully heal in two to five minutes, depending on Jasper's level of physical activity. He can only hope that it's two instead of five.

Once more, Jasper appraises the situation. The giant wooden "prize" falls apart and shows its deadly content. In the back, there are ten figures dressed in the uniforms of the Waffen SS, the elite fighting force of the Nazi regime. But these are not human fighters; their hearts do not beat, yet neither are they ghouls as Alucard had thought. Their teeth are sharp like razors and their eyes are bloody red. There is no mistaking that they are, in fact, vampires, and they're armed with rocket launchers and machine guns with incendiary ordinance. They've come with the right weapons necessary to kill an Unstet. One in the back is hauling around a massive flamethrower that is meant to be carried on a vehicle.

The leader of the group is a musket-wielding woman in a man's suit. She looks at Jasper and says, "Tinker, tailor, soldier, sailor; my varhead vill punish all vithout distinction."

It's the lamest thing Jasper has ever heard.

Since she is the only one in the group with a musket, Jasper can conclude that she is the source of the magic bullet. Even so, she is not the only threat of the group, and he is eager to get out of their weapons' range.

Jasper leaps from the spot so fast that he almost appears to fly. He does so just in time to avoid a burst of aerosol napalm from the flame thrower. The blast of fire is slower than a bullet, but with its mushrooming effect it has an equal chance of hitting him. The blast of fire lights up the cave almost as if it's being lit by the noon sun.

Quickly finding cover, Jasper ducks behind a stalagmite. The cave is large, but there are only so many places to hide. At best the volcanic outcroppings can provide only temporary cover against the weapons of the FREAK soldiers not forty yards from Jasper's position. Right on schedule, a hail of incendiary bullets rains on Jasper's hiding spot, quickly reducing it to white-hot rubble as the phosphorous bullets unleash their hellish heat.

Jasper suffers only minor wounds from their guns; he has smoldering streaks running across his left side. The wounds are purely superficial and aren't even worth noting. His tactical mind begins to run through options and alternative battle tactics. He knows that the two main threats are the magic bullet marksman and the flamethrower operator, the more dangerous of the two being the marksman.

He can estimate that now the marksman is reloading her musket, and soon she'll be ready to fire. The only disadvantage that her weapon has is its slow reload time, and Jasper plans to exploit that before she does some more serious damage.

Casting his sharp gaze around, Jasper notices a fault line from his end of the irregular shaped cave to the high ceiling. As he raises his fist above his head, he almost regrets the damage he's about to do to this beautiful cave.

The FREAK soldiers are having fun, they've been told that their enemy sparkles in the sunlight, and so they assume that he'll be easy prey. The flamethrower operator busies himself with igniting Alucard's headless carcass, laughing like a child as he does so. Really, they're almost disappointed that Alucard was taken down so easily.

The FREAKs shout to their leader, "Lead us, _Obersturmfuhrer Rip Van Winkle_; lead us to kill the sparkling heretic." Yes, the Major has told his troops about the Cullens' refusal to partake of human blood and their overall concern for human life. Needless to say, the Nazi soldiers are angered and offended by these claims. To think that such creatures call themselves vampires!

Rip is almost finished loading her gun when she hears a thundering noise in the cave coming from the direction of their sparkling quarry. To her surprise, she sees a fissure opening up in the roof of the cave, spreading from where Jasper struck.

Some of the smarter soldiers jump out of the way, but one of them is not so lucky. Massive boulders start to fall from the ceiling as parts of it fall in. One FREAK is crushed like a bug, splattered into a puddle of gore. Even with advanced regeneration, he won't be getting up from that.

The Nazi vampires all howl with rage at one of their own being slain by such a laughable foe. Their howls are cut short when Jasper grabs a boulder the size of a hummer and charges at them, using the rock as a shield.

Rip Van Winkle barely jumps out of the way before being hit by the impossibly fast-moving rock face. The boulder must weigh at least three or four tons of the metric variety. Rip Van Winkle can barely manage lifting a single metric ton, but this creature is running with at least triple that. It would seem that he's not so laughable after all. She must be extra careful and kill him now.

Jasper grits his teeth as the flamethrower Nazi tries to turn him into Southern barbecue, but the broad face of the volcanic rock shields him. The heat from the flames is enough to instantly melt the skin off of a human or a softer vampire, but Jasper suffers literally no damage. His sparkling Unstet skin is fire resistant. Without either being first dismembered or the use of a chemical accelerant, the hottest fire would take seven years to burn him completely.

Wanting to give the flamethrower Nazi a stern lesson, Jasper hurls the rock forward. He ignores the pain from his healing wounds in his chest and stomach. While his companions jump out of the way as if lifted by anti-gravity belts, the flamethrower operator is weighed down by his heavy weapon and takes the full impact, shattering close to every bone in his body. He is grievously injured, but his weapon hasn't exploded. The operator will heal and will fight the sparkling faker.

"Faker? Rather hypocritical of you, wouldn't you say?" The musical, baritone voice frightens the operator. He can't even let out a scream before a pair white gloved hands grabs him by the throat and drags him into the darkness.

Jasper dodges and weaves the hail of gunfire. The FREAKs are enraged, but they're so mad now that they've forgotten their military discipline and have become nothing more than an angry mob that Jasper will be able to pick off one by one. Trying to get a good look at her enemy, Rip Van Winkle screams for her men to get back in rank, but in their livid fury they don't even hear her.

Jasper is using his empathic power against these FREAKs, turning their own warrior spirit against them. He didn't survive the vampire wars in the south simply because he was the best fighter or the best tactician. It's true that he was a great fighter and a good tactician, one of the finest, but evolution has shown that being the fittest is no guarantee of survival. By mastering his empathic power and using it for something other than calming people down, Jasper had been able to gain an edge over his enemies and win. Batman has his utility belt and Jasper Cullen has his emotional powers. Everyone needs a little ace up their sleeve.

Rip can't get a good sight on the enemy, and if she can't get a bead on her enemy then she'll risk having the magic bullet miss. The magic bullet never misses, but an un-aimed gun never hits what you want it to.

Suddenly, the Unstet leaps in front of her, causing a mini quake as his heavy weight slams into the floor of the cavern. She would shoot him, except that she's suddenly shot by several of her own men. Their incendiary rounds were designed to punch through the dense bone and muscle of the Unstet species and go right through Rip. She can't help but scream as the white hot bullets burn through her.

Taking advantage of Rip's pain, Jasper slashes at her. Fortunately for Rip, a few of her men retain at least a little of their arms training and shoot the Unstet scum.

Jasper surpasses the growl of pain that builds up in his now half-healed stomach. In order to avoid more potentially devastating hits, he jumps up and clings to the ceiling. Instead of staying on the ground to pick off Jasper, the enraged FREAKs jump after him, hoping for a bit of personal glory in close-quarter combat. Ah yes, the ability to read and manipulate emotions is a potent power, indeed.

Nevertheless, Jasper knows that his power can only buy him so much win. He needs to get out of this cave, and fast. In this enclosed environment, he'll be at a disadvantage against foes that have him constantly in their line of sight. He also needs to dig the incendiary bullets out of his arm. If he doesn't, he might lose his entire arm to the white phosphorous projectiles.

Besides the pain from his arm, there is another feeling that has him worried. He can feel Alucard's emotions again. It's like having an ice cube inside of his brain. The overwhelming, pitiless fury that he has come to associate with Alucard feels familiar, yet different. The madness is now reined in by a cunning and brutal sanity, and this frightens Jasper even more than when the rage ran free.

Rip looks at Jasper, feeling pain from her gunshot wounds and strangely from her hands. The sparkling faker hangs from the ceiling; his hands dig into the stone like it's plastacine. Rip's men fight him like a mob of drunken fools instead of trained soldiers of the Reich.

The filth stops to dig the bullets out of his arm, ripping away most of his bicep and upper forearm in the process. This is Rip's chance to kill him for good. Raising her musket and smiling with her pointed teeth and bright, blue eyes, Rip utters to herself, "My varhead vill punish all vithout distinction." But nothing happens. What is going on? Rip looks down at her gun. Oh, that's what's wrong.

When Jasper had lunged at her, he used his harder-than-steel fingernails to slice the trigger, middle and ring finger off of each Rip's hands. Now she only has a thumb and pinkie on each hand, totally useless for firing a gun.

It is then that Rip can hear a sound. It sounds like somebody is screaming. Or is it singing? It's almost too horrible to be singing, but that's what it is:

_Your shindig's kinda boring  
Shall I spike the punch with cyanide?  
I gotta warn you - You'll need a coroner tonight_

_If you see me, better flee me  
If you hear me, better fear me  
I help you from the fryer into the fire! _

That musical baritone voice sings. Clouds cover the night sky, blocking the moon's glow through the hole that Jasper and Alucard created. Now the cave is lit only by the burning pools of napalm from the earlier flamethrower blasts.

Alucard could have slaughtered them all in a heartbeat; broken them in half one by one before any of them even realized what was happening. He could have gone and killed them without as much as a whisper. He could have given them a quick death.

Not likely.

He wants a show. He wants a big show. He wants to make these German scum know how big a mistake they've made. He wants to see them scream and cry. They won't die with a bang and a blaze of glory, they'll all die bleeding on the ground, lying in pools of their own shit and blood while they cry and beg for the painless death that they ain't gonna get.

Alucard appears on top of the boulder that crushed the flamethrower operator. He stands at exactly seven feet tall and looks like the kind of vampire you'd see in your nightmares. Gone are his red duster and charcoal riding suit; instead he's wearing a black leather straight jacket and his stark white gloves.

Upon seeing Alucard, Rip becomes undone with a crippling fear and it doesn't have anything to do with Jasper. "Samiel!" she half gasps half shrieks. It's the lord of hell from her favorite opera.

The Major had warned her, he'd warned Rip that one day Samiel would come for her and he would take her to hell and throw her body to the wolves just as he'd done to the opera's main character, Casper.

Alucard can't feel Rip's fear like Jasper does, but he can smell it, and the smell of fear has never been so sweet. Jasper can feel her fear, and fear has never been so paralyzing. It's as if Rip's terror is so great that he's become as frozen as the statue he resembles.

Even as the FREAK soldiers fire upon him, Alucard does not stop grinning. The teeth flash white before they're blown out the back of his skull by incendiary bullets. The red eyes can see into your soul before they explode into jelly and gore. Alucard shakes and jerks like a scarecrow in the wind. In a bizarre way it looks like he's dancing.

Finally, the guns stop blazing and Alucard falls to the ground, unmoving. Jasper watches from behind a fallen piece of rock. He feels not only Rip's terror and the terror of the FREAKs, but he can feel Alucard's emotion. The sick bastard is enjoying this. It's not about following orders or defending himself; he's doing this for the sheer pleasure of it. He's known some fucking insane, hateful, diseased psychopaths but none of them can really hold a candle to Alucard. There's no _reasoning_. There's no _talking_ with the likes of him. With him its kill until you can't kill anymore.

Jasper feels the lust for carnage that Alucard feels. He can feel these emotions that have no names, because Jasper has never experienced anything like them before. He'd thought Alucard was scary, now he's about to see what Alucard can do.

Alucard's mangled, smoking corpse lands in a heap before the feet of the Nazis. For a second the Nazis dare to believe that he's dead, but Jasper knows better. He feels amusement, for Alucard this is just the warm up sequence.

Rip doesn't believe that Samiel is dead. The daemon lord of the hunt won't be brought down so easily. It is then that the glamour wears of off the body, revealing the mangled, dead corpse of the flamethrower operator who will no more operate a flamethrower.

Jasper watches this spectacle; it's rather like a movie. He's removed from the action. It's all about Alucard and the freaks now. But unlike a movie, this isn't make believe. It's happening right before his eyes. At any moment the brutality might spill over into his personal space.

Rip breathes heavily, the men have a confidence that she doesn't share. Where is Samiel?

"Hello." The voice of the lord of the hunt is in her ear. Alucard stands right behind Rip. She turns around and screams like she's never screamed before.

The Millennium huntress's scream is cut off by a spray of blood. Alucard stands in fighting stance. In his hand is a bayonet that he'd liberated from Paladin Anderson. Jasper can only look on in horror as Rip Van Winkle falls into two pieces, sliced in half at the waist.

With a bayonet in one hand and a giant meat cleaver in the other, Alucard does what the Hellsing family hires him to do. Alucard is the star of the show, the Nazis are the extras and Jasper is the audience.

Jasper's power is a double edged sword. He can manipulate the emotions of others, but it also means that he'll feel what they feel. So right now, he is divided on the inside. Half of him feels the call of Alucard's madness while the other half feels the anguish and horror of the unfortunate Nazis. It's almost as if his heart is straddling a giant chasm that's growing wider with each passing second.

Inside and out, Alucard is grinning from ear to ear. This is his element; this is what he was born to do. The only thing that matters is destruction; simple irrational destruction for destruction's sake. Survial is secondary. Some were born to die, he was born to kill. His only regret is that he's not fighting against a thousand of these so called vampires. Even thought they don't sparkle, these pricks are worth less than the least of the Cullens. These fools are nothing, they're merely butchers and bakers turned and given weapons. In his heart he hopes for better adversaries very soon, but for now he makes due with what he has.

His technique is flawless, Alucard moves like one of the shadows. Now you see him and now you don't. He glides with the grace of a ballerina and slashes with the geometric perfection of a master swordsman. His meat cleaver becomes a metallic flash in the air; one of the Nazis is sliced from head to crotch and the pieces fall on opposite sides to each other. It's a brutal and elegant kill.

Another flash of light in the air; the stolen bayonet slashes one vampire from shoulder to hip. The screams are lovely. Alucard doesn't want too many of them dead yet. This is merely an exposition of his power and ability. He laughs, because laughing after ferociously dismembering somebody is always scary. It's a way of saying, "Your death is funny."

Rip Van Winkle is in a bad place. She drags herself across the bloody stone of the cave with her mutilated hands, trying to get to her musket. At this point, she's sort of starting to regret joining the Nazi party. The further screams of the troops under her command spurn her to get her ass moving, even though her ass is about ten feet behind her and severed from her body.

Alucard now stands still, bayonet and butcher knife bloody with the vital fluids of his enemies. It's time to get ready for the finale. The surviving Nazis are horribly mutilated; one of them has literally had his face sliced off, another has had the pleasure of being castrated with a blessed blade. All but two of them are dead and at a cry from their second in command they start to unload their grenades at Alucard's feet sans the pins and fire their rocket launchers.

These poor bastards have no idea just how futile their actions are, but Alucard decides to let them cling to their illusions for a few seconds longer. The incendiary and fragmentation grenades blow him apart and burn him to a crisp in the same stroke. The rockets double the power of the explosions. His smoldering ruins produce a thick black smoke.

Rip turns around, one incomplete hand wrapped around the handle of her musket. She screams, "Nein! _Er ist nicht toten_!" He is not dead.

Right on schedule, the Death-by-Alucard express pulls into the station. The black smoke chokes the cave while the napalm fires burn low; their fuel nearly spent. Hundreds of red eyes open in the smoke while a form solidifies from the choking fumes. Alucard appears once more, whole and still in charge despite everything that his foes have tried to do.

Like a hell-born maestro, Alucard raises his hands to conduct the grim reaper's orchestra. His eyes gleam and his smile is wide. Oh, if the Grim Reaper would smile and if he had a gleam in his eye, he would look just like Alucard.

To the horror and shock of all the participants of his fight, hundreds of arms start to grow out of Alucard's back, like a horde of multi jointed tentacles ending in white gloved hands.

The second in command can only gaze in horror at this impossible sight before him. His lower jaw is torn off, but he tries to say, "What the fuck are you?" And like the wrath of God, hundreds of grasping and clawing arms lunge at the Nazis. They stand no chance, they shoot but it doesn't even delay the inevitable. They're all shredded like meat in a grinder. The once proud soldiers of the Waffen SS are completely, totally and utterly fucked up. All except for one.

Rip Van Winkle cries. She sobs like a baby. Her time is up, there's no escape and no way to fight back. Death is coming and it will provide no relief or salvation. Her tears break Jasper's already divided heart. God, how did she get involved in this mess? What had she done in life that took her to this place? Jasper is no stranger to the killing of the innocent. Three quarters of all the vampires he's killed were poor victims that were forcibly recruited into bloody, pointless wars and forced to abandon everything they held dear. But this girl, it's like she's the poster child for all the people that got screwed over by the bosses in power. Rip is only a foot soldier, one of the pawns.

And Alucard is the physical personification of karma. It doesn't matter what your intentions were or what you thought you were going to do, you're going to pay for your crimes.

Rip catches Alucard's eye. She cringes and starts to weep again. Jasper weeps in time with her, even though he's incapable of shedding tears.

Alucard's voice is rich with sneering, biting sarcasm. "What's the matter? Are you out of those magic bullets?"

Seconds pass. Rip chokes out one last sob and then pulls off her glasses. She wipes her eyes, the terror and despair is gone. There is only a fiery determination left.

Alucard sneers once more, "Go ahead, shoot at me, bitch."

Rip then takes hold of her gun and pulls the firing mechanism close to her mouth. She yells one last time in German, "_My warhead will punish all without distinction!_" Then with her tongue, she pulls the trigger.

BLAM!

The magic bullet zips at immeasurable speed out of the barrel and makes a bee line for Alucard without any deviation of its path. Alucard patronizingly smiles as the bullet blasts through his chest.

In his crevasse, Jasper involuntarily mimics Alucard's smile almost perfectly.

The magic bullet ricochets off the wall and ceiling before ripping through Alucard's heart. The Hellsing trump card grunts, but shows no concern for the pain he feels. Alucard is a masochist as well as a sadist. He _loves_ pain.

The bullet desperately zigzags through the air and starts to tear in and out of Alucard's body like a needle through fabric. Through desperate fury, Rip tries to formulate a plan. In the original entrance of the volcanic cavern there is a bridge which goes over a fast flowing river. If she could just push him twenty feet more then he'd fall into the river past the cave entrance. She screams, "FALL! DIE!"

Jasper imitates her cries, but very softly, "fall, die." He's totally a slave to the emotions of Rip and Alucard. They're the performers and he's the voyeur.

The magic bullet shreds Alucard the same way that he shredded the troops. But the troops didn't smile as they got pulverized.

In Jasper's heart, Rip's dominating emotions are briefly overtaken by those of Alucard. He can taste Alucard's satisfaction. It makes him wish that he could get another crack at Rip, but something keeps him anchored to the spot.

Yes, that's it! Alucard is almost over the edge! Just a little further, just a little more and then . . .

Alucard decides that it's time to stop fucking around; this is starting to get stale.

There is a deafening _chomp_ing noise, which stuns both Rip and Jasper. Before them, Alucard stands with half his face ripped off. The magic bullet is clenched between his jaws. "Gotcha" he rasps. And with no further ado, he chews up the magic bullet like candy.

This is it; there is no more hope for Rip. Her sheer hopelessness crushes Jasper like a massive weight while Alucard's pitiless thirst for carnage threatens to puff him up like a toad. Between the two of them he feels like he's going to blow up like an over-inflated balloon.

Rip tries to reload the gun. She panics and spills the musket balls all over the floor. Frenzied with fear, she tries to grab a stray musket ball but it slips from her pinkie and thumb. Squealing with horror, she tries to grab another when Alucard's booted foot slams down on her hand with crunching force. As she cries out, so does Jasper.

Alucard is content; he's like the junkie that found the perfect high. Now all that's left to do is to shoot up another hit. He grabs the bisected FREAK by her shirt collar and lifts up her to his eye level. Pathetic. Is this all that Millennium sees fit to send against him? He's insulted.

Rip thrashes her mutilated arms, trying to break free. She doesn't want to look at Alucard's face, because if she does she'll break down completely to the level of a baby.

Alucard merely clucks his tongue. "You're so clumsy. Look, Jasper, she's all thumbs today." If the situation wasn't so dire, it would have sounded corny. A moment later, Alucard lunges with his shark-like teeth and bites off Rip's thumbs.

Her scream makes Jasper cover his ears, but with his acute Unstet hearing he can hear every whimper, every desperate murmur and each dying plea.

Laughter rings throughout the damaged cavern. The laughter is just as fractured as the various shattered stones along the cave floor. "And now, _she has no thumbs_! AH-HAHAHAHAHA!" He laughs as if he truly finds humor in this.

By now, Jasper's heart is split nearly in half by the contrasting emotions in the cave. He just wants to get out of here. He wants to go home and go shopping with Alice, listen to Edward's music and put up with Rose's vanity.

Once more, he hears that mad, lilting voice reach for his attention, "Come here Jasper, I know you're there! I can read your thoughts, I can smell you."

Alucard sniffs and then runs his long tongue around his lips; they got stained with blood when he chewed up his prey's thumbs and spat them out. The blood is stale, but nutritious, as all vampire blood usually is. "Get down here, boy. Have some fun with your good buddy, Alucard! Put that limp prick of your to good use and abuse!" This final line elicits more lewd guffaws from Alucard's gut.

Jasper is tucked away in a recess of the cave, cradling himself in fetal position. He's just witnessed Alucard decimate a horde of Nazi FREAK Vampires. Only one remains, Obersturmfuhrer Rip Van Winkle, and she is quite literally torn in two, and fear paralyzes her mind and what's left of her body. Alucard is waiting for a response to his invitation for Jasper to join him and put his limp prick to good use and abuse.

Jasper can't move; he won't. He feels that if he were to go down there and join Alucard in the "festivities," then he would unleash a monster that would never be caged again. He would drink from the cup of blood that this ancient monster offers, and he doesn't think that he would ever be able to pull away from that bittersweet taste. So no, he doesn't join Alucard, and perhaps he saves his soul in the process.

The smile slips from Alucard's face. He drops Rip Van Winkle; she weakly tries to escape only to receive a heavy boot to the back of her neck.

That harsh, accusatory voice flies out like daggers. "So, that's it. I see what you are now. I thought you were only a dog, but I was wrong. You're a coward. That's what you are, Jasper Whitlock. You're nothing but a great, yellow coward!"

Deep down, Jasper knows that Alucard is right, but he cannot succumb to these foreign emotions that he feels. To do so would betray everything that he and his family stand for. The Cullens stand for temperance, and Alucard stands for intemperance; where they practice self-denial, he luxuriates in excess. Jasper is also guilty of the sin of gluttony, but he wants to move on and be more than what he is.

More of Alucard's accusations come his way. "You're weak and you've always been weak! Half a century with that accursed pixy flopping around has made you even weaker! But I am strong and my unlife of eternal war has only made me stronger. Every minute, every second that I spend in chaos and carnage will make me even stronger!"

Alucard grunts and spits. He has no further patience to waste on this stupid little boy. He's no warrior, just a grunt that happened to be a little tougher than the rest of his fellow grubs. Instead, Alucard turns his lantern-like eyes on his prize. The napalm fires are nearly extinguished, but the light is enough for him to appreciate destruction when he sees it.

In one of his hands, a bayonet seems to appear. It shows in the dim light like an extra large fang. Doubling over, Alucard grabs Rip Van Winkle's long, beautiful hair none too gently. He almost ends up ripping it out of her head. Ignorant of her squeals, he starts to use the holy blade to cut her hair down to large, uneven patches.

Alucard grabs a hunk of Rip's hair and holds it to his face. He breathes deeply. She smells of gunpowder and blood, which happen to be among his favourite scents.

Discarding the free hair, he flips over his victim and gazes upon her face. She's so young. He loves killing the young ones; they're always the stupidest. And Alucard can never forgive stupidity. In fact, he's utterly incapable of forgiveness.

With a callousness only a psychopath is capable of, Alucard smiles as he punches Rip in the face. The force of the blow caves in one half of her skull into a bloody pulp; one blue eye pops out of its socket and rolls away. That's okay though, she still has one left to look her tormentor in the eye with.

Rip tries to shut her remaining eye, but she will be afforded no such luxury. Alucard rips off her eyelid, forcing another scream out of her still intact vocal cords. The opera is already over; Samiel has tossed her body to the wolves and this is hell.

That pale, fanged face speaks to her. "You are about to find out why they used to call me Vlad the Skullfucker." As he begins to unfasten the various clasps and buckles of his straight jacket, she screams and thrashes with all her might. She fully realizes what he plans to do.

The black straight jacket comes off and Rip involuntarily gets to see what's underneath it. His body is lean but highly muscular. Bundles of muscles stretch the skin until it is almost translucent. Two marvelously toned pectorals and eight pack abs are hidden by a thick coating of curly hair to match the stuff on his head. On first glance he actually looks beautiful.

A closer examination of Alucard's body shows it to be far from beautific. Dead vericose veins run across his body; all full of stale and dead blood. At his pectorals, tiny breasts can be seen as if large weights in the past were attached to his nipples.

Rip gets a good look at him below the waist and tries to scream as he rams a gloved hand down her throat to keep her from screaming, causing bloody tears to form in her lone eye. She chokes and tries to vomit but nothing will dislodge that sinfully clean white cotton clothed hand.

Alucard's penis resembles a large carnivorous worm that twitches and stirrs once it smells fresh meat. Instead of a glans, the long organ is tipped with a razor sharp bone barb; perfectly designed for shredding and tearing velvety meat. The worm cock stands at the ready, a drop of pus forms on the end. It looks toxic.

Alucard rips his hand from Rip's mouth. She can go ahead and scream now.

Jasper hides and clenches his eyes, desperately wishing for this madness to be over. He hears screaming from Rip. She begs, screeches, threatens and breaks down crying, but Alucard makes no reply. Suddenly he hears Alucard make a deep, bestial grunt and then he can hear Rip gasp in pain before her screams reach a new high. There is also a crunch; the sound of an eye socket being run through by a sharp bone barb.

Alucard's grunting and growling become rhythmatic, synchronized with Rip's pitiful, desperate screams. In the dim shadows of the cave, Alucard smiles at his humiliated prey. More screams accompany the sound of an eye being ruptured; it is truly a pleasure for him to fuck her brain. How much more pain and misery can he continue to heap on one person? Does his lust have no boundaries?

Alucard's grunting and groaning continues, this time in greater volume and intensity. Between his bestial noises, his speaks with brutal sarcasm and cruelty, "Oh Rip, don't you just _**love**_ what I'm doing to you? Don't you _**love**_ me?"

And then he begins to sing once more; it's a noise from Hell's number one radio hits.

_**I'm here to fix your troubles  
Brute force applied with some finesse  
When people are the problem  
My hatchet always works the best (Oh, yes it will)**_

_**Nananananah - Calling Mr. Killjoy  
I'm the death of every party  
Nananananah - Calling Mr. Killjoy  
And I don't care if you don't like me **_

**I made you suffer and that doesn't feel right **  
**I thought my knife would snuff you out like a light **  
**How rude of me, a quick be-heading will end your fright**

How long has it been; how long has he tortured that woman? Who can say? Jasper certainly can't. He's been like a child trying to convince himself that the monsters under the bed aren't real. But this monster is all too real, and he's having a jolly good time.

Very quickly, Alucard's utter of satisfaction turns into a fractured, schizoid laugh that climbs higher and higher. He doesn't just want Rip to know that he's defeated her utterly; he wants the entire world to know of his victory and to celebrate his genius and his ability.

The laughter only stops when Alucard stoops down and chomps down on Rip's throat. No longer can she scream. Alucard's shark-like teeth have severed her windpipe and slashed her vocal cords to ribbons.

In every way, Rip has become a macabre work of a sociopath's masterpiece. Her bloody and raped eye sockets seem to stare out with ultimate misery; her mouth silently utters a final farewell to whatever person or deity she loves the most. The lower half of her body lies still; the napalm fires have burned down, and now the cave is pitch black except for a tiny smidge of luminescence provided by glowing organisms in the fast flowing river. Shadows claim all; they begin to devour the body of Rip Van Winkle even as their master drains the last of the blood from her system. She struggles no more from his iron grasp.

And then it's over. There's nothing left of the battle, only whatever scraps the scavengers can get at when Alucard has had his fill. Rip Van Winkle is gone. There's nothing left of her but a pair of broken glasses and a musket.

A hand in a clean white glove reaches down towards the ground. Just lying there is an eyeball of the most brilliant blue, begun to glaze over. The hand grabs the eye by the optic nerve and lifts it to a hungry maw. Sharp teeth masticate the eyeball noisily and jelly runs down greedy lips.

Fucking yummy.

* * *

Well, I hope you enjoyed that and didn't have to vomit at any point :) My goal in this chapter was to show Alucard in his full, uncontrollable evil. If this stuff is too much, Lion in the Land's story is just as good (maybe even better) and it's not quite so graphic.

Cheers, my freaky darlings

Master of the Boot


	3. Fight Aftermath and Archery

Chapter Three: Fight Aftermath and Archery scenes

Thanks for sticking with me with my director's cut :) It means a great deal to me. Just think of this as watching a TV show with all the swearing intact.

Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing, Twilight or the Song _Sucker_ by Motorhead.

* * *

A booted foot stomps on the glasses, and strong hands clad in white gloves break the rifle in two. Alucard doesn't care for trophies nor does he believe in respecting a fallen foe. He speaks in a normal and nondescript tone of voice. "Bubba, get up. We've much to do."

As if waking up from a horrid nightmare, Jasper uncovers his eyes and looks up to see the ugly mug of Alucard. Those putrid emotions are still there, but they've now shrunken back to manageable levels. The dangerous side of Alucard's insanity has gone away, and now his perverted side is present.

Once more, Alucard commands, "Have you enjoyed your nap? We are still in a contest in case you didn't notice."

Jasper smoothly climbs to his feet as if he's just fine and dandy. Compared to Nosferatu, Unstet are a very guarded lot. In general they keep to themselves and tend to be very aloof and difficult to read. Hence, when they experience something unpleasant, most of the will act as if they have no problems at all.

The Nosferatu are a much more wild and overt lot, and Alucard exemplifies many of the best and worst traits of his species. He impatiently taps his foot on the ground and grumbles, "Come on, I don't have all day for you to comb your ridiculous hair."

Jasper surveys the carnage with a detached eye. "We'll have to take these body parts with us to the garbage cans."

This earns him a scoff from the superior vampire. "Ah, you've figured it out. You're not as stupid as Rosalie thinks you are."

Jasper responds in a neutral tone of voice, "Thank you." With no further invitation, Jasper gets down and grabs as many chunks of dismembered Nazi as he can reasonably be expected to carry. Turning around, he sees that Alucard has lost focus and is now playing and prodding with the Nazi corpses. He uses the full might of his Texas accent to no avail. "Hey, we're in a competition, remember? We have to move."

Alucard grabs the most complete corpse he can find and starts to carry it like a puppet. "No, _you _have to move. It's your wife in danger; my work here is fulfilled. Run as fast as you care to and put the pieces in my garbage can." Apparently Rip Van Winkle's magic bullet didn't make a dent on that huge ego.

"You're demented, did you know that?"

Alucard dismisses Jasper's claim. "Bah! Am I any crazier than Emmett, who frequently gets wood not from Rosalie but from Esme?"

What did he just say?

Alucard picks up on Jasper's shock, confusion and outright disbelief. "More information from my contacts on the outside. They found out that sometimes, when Rose isn't pleasuring him like she should, Emmett will pretend to be hurt emotionally in order to receive a hug from his mamma. He'll get his hug, and then he'll get an erection. He's utterly ashamed of his body's reaction to his adopted mother, but he just can't stop."

Jasper is at a loss for words, almost. "Jesus."

Alucard begins to shake the corpse in his hands. "That's nothing; you should see the dirt that my homies have dug up on Bella and Edward." His smile is so epic that it deserves its own emoticon.

Oh God, as if Jasper wants to know what his repressed brother has been up to. "No, I'd really rather not know more." He starts to edge away from Alucard.

Alucard gestures to the mutilated Nazi in his hands and grabs the exposed spine. "Squeamish, are you? Well, maybe he can explain the most tolerable parts to you."

Alucard squeezes on the spine of the FREAK, making his mouth move up and down. In a grotesque display of ventriloquism, Alucard makes the dead FREAK appear to talk in a high-pitched Mickey Mouse voice. "_Edward and Bella like to put on period dress from when Edward was human_."

Jasper begins to walk away from Alucard and his freaky puppet before the No-Life King puts his free hand on his shoulder and stops him. "Now hold on, I haven't even gotten to the good parts yet."

Jasper would really rather not but Alucard is adamant. Alucard tells Jasper with his own mouth, "When Bella and Edward make love, Edward likes to shove a wooden stake in Bella's ass and lick her all clean." He then winks conspiratorially.

Jasper will be having nightmares about that for a while. Then Alucard starts to talk with his meat puppet. "_Bella is a real backdoor slut, if you now what I mean._"

Alucard congratulates his dead Nazi puppet. "That's correct! I'd love to tap that. Police Girl may be the ultimate bimbo but Bella is the perfect waif." He begins to wave his free hand around gently. "She's got those full lips and that sweet, sweet niaevity to her. And have you seen her daughter, Renesmee? Damn! Hold on, sugar; Daddy's got a sweet tooth tonight!"

Inded there is nobody else that Alucard would like to fuck more than sweet Renesmee, except for that secretary at Hellsing who lost her legs to amputation.

Jasper looks at Alucard with horror. Truly there is nothing this madman isn't capable of. "I'm getting out of here. You're disturbed."

But Alucard protests. "I'm not crazy. Am I crazy, dead guy?"

The dead Nazi puppet responds, "_Nah, you're not crazy. You're just misunderstood._" If Jasper looks at just the right angle, he can see the loose screws sticking out of Alucard's head. Without a word, he zips off into the jungle like a bullet, gone in an instant.

Alucard is now alone. It's necrophilia time. Smiling, Alucard looks at all the sexy body parts still lying around with nobody to claim them. He says to his puppet, "This will be fun."

To which his puppet replies in that high-pitched voice, "_You betcha!_"

The other two survivor teams have arrived, including Jasper, but Alucard is still missing. Suddenly they can hear singing coming from the deep jungle.

Love it or hate it you're gonna pay,  
All of us here gonna ruin your day,  
Into the palace or into the pit,  
We think you're just full of shit,

_SUCKER!_

Alucard bursts out of the underbrush, strutting his stuff like a drug dealer in the hood. Apparently necrophilia makes Alucard happy, because this is the most cheerful he's been since he arrived on this accursed island.

He pimp walks up to the trio and says, "Wa'sup, Niggaz?"

Nobody is quite sure how to respond to this rather random form of greeting. Walter acts like he doesn't hear anything while Integra glares at her servant. Alucard smiles and waves at Jasper as if he didn't hate him utterly. Jasper only stares blankly at him. He'd been harboring a fantastical hope that the cave of horrors would have somehow swallowed Alucard up so that he'd never be able to torment another soul again.

As he watches his disturbingly chipper teammate stroll towards him, Jasper isn't sure what's worse—Alucard on a sadistic rampage, or Alucard happy.

Alucard stops his progression toward the garbage cans and turns toward the new arrivals. He smiles and steps over to Seras. She has now fully returned to her normal state: embarrassed that she's affiliated with Alucard in any way, shape or form.

"Smack that, girlfriend," Alucard says, holding up his hand in a high five gesture. The police girl hits it, just like he asks because she's afraid that if she doesn't then he'll smack her. Alucard can get violent very easily and it's best to go along with whatever crazy shit he's got going on.

Edward keeps his eyes on Alucard, but it is Jasper's thoughts that permeate his mind. The events with Rip Van Winkle replay like a fragmented but perfectly clear home movie. Edward takes it in and wonders if Integra is aware of the degree to which darkness has taken root in Alucard's heart. Hellsing's prime weapon swaggers around the beach as if his recent atrocities were nothing more than smashing a troublesome insect, or the killing of a few particularly annoying little girls.

The corpses slung over Edward's own shoulders bear a heavier weight than their physical mass alone. He had slain them in self defense, and he knows they were monsters, but they were men once, and he can't help but mourn that loss of humanity. Far be it from Edward to miss an opportunity to brood.

Alucard doesn't care what those monsters once were, doesn't care that the darkness made great strides tonight in taking him over completely. He's there to fucking take care of business. It's not in his job description to offer mercy or quarter. The circumstances are irrelevant, only the outcome stays the same.

Regis gives a congenial chuckle, and the camera returns to the set. "Final question: Who played Bruce Wayne in the Batman movie released in 1989? Was it: A) Val Kilmer, B) George Clooney, C) Michael Keaton, or D) Adam West"

Alucard shakes his head. "Gimme a fucking break."

But Aro doesn't seem to think so. His forehead crinkles more than usual as he studies the choices on his screen. He'd never had much use for superhero movies. "Was George Clooney ever Batman?" he mumbles, thinking out loud. "Hmm…"

Alucard's red eyes blaze on the screen. For the first time since setting foot on the beach the smile is completely wiped from his face. "Michael Keaton," he emphasizes to the inanimate object in the trees.

"I remember Val Kilmer. Yes, he was very good," Aro continues to deliberate.

"Michael Keaton," Alucard utters again through clenched teeth.

"But I don't believe Kilmer was the first."

Alucard raises an approving eyebrow.

"But even still…eh, I'd like to use the 50/50."

"You're the boss," Regis tells him. "Okay, take away two options, please."

A and B are removed from the list, and Aro is left with Michael Keaton and Adam West.

Aro studies the two remaining options. "Nineteen-eighty-nine…" Aro has existed for over three thousand years. He might as well be thinking back to two hundred years ago as twenty.

Alucard's eye twitches. It is beyond him how anyone could forget Keaton's brilliant performance of the Caped Crusader on the silver screen. Adam West was fine for TV, but he's not fit to lick Keaton's slingshot ankle reinforcements!

"I'd like to phone a friend," Aro tells Regis.

"Okay, fine. Let's get Marcus on the phone." The ringing of a phone can be heard.

"Hello," a tired sounding voice says over the speakers.

"Hi, Marcus, this is Regis Philbin. Your brother is here at the set of _Who Wants to Save His Brother? _playing for the welfare of your brother Caius. He's on his final question and can use your help. You'll have thirty seconds with him on the phone. Are you ready?"

"Sure," Marcus sighs distractedly.

"Aro, your time starts now."

Aro reads the question to his brother. "Who played Bruce Wayne in the Batman movie released in 1989? Was it Michael Keaton or Adam West?"

"I believe they were both Batman at one time or another."

"Yes, I know. But which one played him in 1989?"

"Nineteen-eighty-nine…let's see…hmm…Christopher Reeves played Superman…didn't George Clooney play a Batman once?"

"It's Michael Keaton you _stupid_, _senile_ _sacks of shit_," Alucard murmurs through his gnashed fangs. His fists are balled so tightly that they are turning blue.

"Marcus, focus," Aro instructs patiently. "Your choices are Michael Keaton and Adam West."

"Ten seconds" Regis announces.

"Bruce Wayne…the Dark Knight…you want a dark hero? Forget fancy rich boy. Tom Jane in _The Punisher_, now _there's_ a dark hero; he lost everyth—" The line goes dead.

"Aw, I'm afraid your time is up. Phone a brother didn't work out to well for you, did he? Well, you've still got it narrowed down to two, so care to make a guess?"

Aro's brow crinkles further as he stares down at his screen, then he looks at Regis and casually brings his hand up to scratch at the back of his head. "I may not get another chance to say this, so I'd just like to let you know what a truly great honor it has been to meet you." While he says this, he leans forward and gracefully reaches across the computer monitors to lay his hand on Regis's arm.

Aro is not that sentimental. He's got the power to read anything that has ever crossed a person's mind, but he has to be touching them to do it. Philbin smiles uncomfortably, and Aro drops his hand with a disgusted huff. Philbin doesn't know the answer, either.

"Michael Keaton," Alucard states yet again, but very calmly this time with his eyes fixed on the screen. He's trying to work his juju long distance.

Aro sits back and resumes pondering the screen. "Michael Keaton?" he mutters to himself.

A tiny corner of Alucard's mouth turns up.

"Is that your final answer?" Regis asks.

"No."

Alucard's mouth falls into a hard, straight line.

Aro considers another answer, "Could it be Adam West?"

"IT'S MICHAEL KEATON, YOU CHILD MOLESTING FREAK!" Alucard shouts.

Aro looks up from the screen and fixes his clouded eyes on Philbin. "I have my final answer."

"**MICHAEL KEATON!**" Alucard bellows.

"I'll take Adam West."

Alucard cries out like one of the damned, "**NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!**" He drops to his knees out of despair. How could he have allowed this disrespect of Michael Keaton's absolute ownership of the Bat Man right before his eyes?

Regis clucks his tongue good-naturedly. "Sorry Aro, but it looks like you got that one wrong."

Aro then looks at the camera, hoping that Caius can hear him. "Sorry about that, Caius; you know that I tried my best. When you're killed, I'll probably replace you with another vampire, but there will be a ten minute period where I'll be positively inconsolable."

The station cuts to fuzz and stays that way for a few minutes.

Alucard scowls, all his good humor erased. "That fat son of a bitch is getting on my nerves. But don't worry, children, I've got a little something to wipe that smile off of his face." Without further ado, he stands, wipes the sand from his knees and whips out the Jackal.

Integra casts a murderous glare on her vampire. The dumb son vampire son of a bitch has flaunted her orders. She said to take nothing to the island that would disqualify them. Apparantly he took that to mean, "_Don't show anything that would get us disqualified_."

Edward gazes in shock at the monstrously oversized black pistol that Alucard holds in his hand. "Dear Lord," is all he can say.

Jasper is equally shocked. This one far surpasses anything Alucard had whipped out in the cave. "What is that?"

Walter proudly explains his creation, "It's the Jackal Anti-FREAK combat pistol. It fires thirteen millimeter silver-cased mercury-tipped bullets powered by a chemical cartridge whose name is classified."

Edward is both incredulous and slightly amused. "Why on earth did you feel the need to make it so massive?"

Alucard answers for Walter. "Because it's much more frightening. Would you want me to walk around with a little toy pistol? And while you mock this wonderful weapon, let me show you its tremendous and earth shaking powers."

Suddenly, Alucard draws his gun to aim and fires on Jasper. But when he pulls the trigger, nothing happens. Jasper's head isn't blown apart. Instead, Alucard's gun falls to pieces in his hand, revealing a white slip of paper inside the handle.

"What the…?" Confused, Alucard opens up the paper and starts to read the messy handwriting aloud.

_Dear Alucard, _

_I used parts of your gun to fix the microwave. I promise I'll replace them soon. _

_Signed, Zohall_

"SON OF A BITCH!" Zohall Mercer had better hope that Millennium kills him before Alucard cuts his Johnson off.

Grunting, Alucard throws the useless handle of his gun into the horizon.

While Alucard starts to swear like a sailor with Tourettes syndrome, Seras investigates the little piece of paper left by Zohall. It seems that her master neglected to read part of the note. She reads aloud.

_PS: I found little explosive thingies inside the gun. Are those supposed to be there?_

At the mention of explosive thingies, Jasper is sure that he can detect the slightest bit of guilt coming off of the Hellsing butler. Edward can also sense something is off with Walter; as soon as Seras started to read, he began to recite _God Save the Queen _in his head over and over again.

"Vell, onto the next challenge," the Major announces.

"What? Now?" Integra snaps. Walter merely groans. Alucard's spirits lift a bit; he'd had a ball on that last challenge. Jasper, with no need for rest, is glad to keep this thing going. The sooner it ends, the better.

"Ja, now," the Major confirms. "Follow the beach to the north and you vill see the challenge all set up for you."

They silently follow the beach to the north and come to two rows of lit torches that form a wide corridor. At the opposite end of the corridor stand four objects that are about the height of a tall man, but not quite as tall as Alucard. Each object is covered with a black canvas. They start to walk toward the objects, and about fifty feet away, they find four bows and a quiver holding exactly four arrows.

"I see you've found your equipment." Jeff Probst walks out from behind what are apparently the targets. He actually toddles more than walks because his body is encompassed by a bulbous suit of metal, including what looks like a vintage scuba helmet over his sandy head. The suit sizzles and sparks with electrical currents.

The torchlight reflects off the glass of Probst's facemask, but the contestants are just certain he's wearing a cocky grin. He thinks this little suit of his will keep him safe from them. But Alucard knows that puny tin suit is nothing but a large pot to cook that little insect in"You're playing for immunity," Probst announces through a microphone in his suit. You'll each have one arrow to loose; whoever comes closest to the center of their target wins. Let's have a look at those targets now."

He waddles stiffly back to the first target and pulls off the canvas. It's a standard 122 cm target with four concentric bands of color. In the center of the target is Carlisle's head. His nose is the bull's-eye.

_Swoosh_. The next swath of canvas is pulled away to reveal Esme's lovely head. _Swoosh_. Bella. _Swoosh_. Rosalie

"Grab a bow and arrow and select your target," Jeff instructs.

They each pick up a bow, and Walter holds out the quiver from which they each slide an arrow. Integra stands across from Carlisle's target. It seems only fitting that the Hellsing leader should be matched with the head of the Cullen clan.

Walter steps next to her, across from Esme, while Alucard lines himself up in front of Rosalie with his lips stretched wide over his pointed teeth. These challenges just keep getting better and better. A massive force blasts into his side and nearly knocks him down into the sand.

"This one's mine!" Jasper shouts.

Alucard rights himself and grasps Jasper's face in his gloved hand and twists it. "You had your chance to prove yourself in that cave, and you curled up like an infant and sucked your thumb."

Jasper delivers a painful blow to Alucard's gut. Alucard flinches for a moment but only intensifies his grip on Whitlock's face. He's not messing around with this punk anymore and is going to tear his head off and eat it, even if it costs him all his teeth to do so. Jasper kicks him in the knee and makes him stumble.

Alucard growls. "Releasing control art restriction—"

"Vampire!" Integra's voice booms. "Mr. Whitlock is not our enemy. Stand down and move to the next target."

Alucard releases Jasper's face with a thrust that sends the Unstet stumbling, and without another word moves over to the target with Bella's head attached.

Jasper doesn't give her the satisfaction of a response, but only waits patiently for his chance to make her the brunt of all his angst.

"Sir Hellsing, you'll go first," Probst announces.

Integra nocks her arrow onto the bowstring and draws it up, holding the string at her ear. She's no novice to archery. Her tactical mind has also absorbed the encouraging new development that Rosalie has not been destroyed, which means that their numbers are in tact and when the opportunity is right, they'll be able to overtake the Major and his crew.

Integra thinks through various strategies, and it suddenly hits her that no one is hearing these thoughts. Edward is gone. The mind reader is _gone_. For the first time since merging with the Cullens her mind is her own. In this case, she'd actually wanted to share her thoughts, but there have been many, _many_ times when she'd had to curb her thoughts from wandering into rather embarrassing directions. Now, she realizes, there will be no need for that. She's got her vampire well trained to stay out unless invited, so now she's free to let her imagination go wild.

_What am I doing?_ She thinks and shakes her head back into focus. The sleep deprivation is getting to her. _Challenge first, fantasies later. _It also doesn't help that she's well into developing fatty liver disease with her excessive drinking and her smoking has badly damage some brain cells. She closes one eye and zeros in on her target with the other. Carlisle's expression is one of quiet acceptance. He won't begrudge what Integra has to do; it has to be done, and he will accept it. Such a noble spirit. In the torchlight his caramel-colored eyes shine with altruism and courage. Two of the qualities Integra most respects in a man.

She unwittingly conjures a vision of Carlisle's altruistic and courageous bod wet, naked and glorious in a warm shower. The soap slips out of his hand and the bowstring slips from Integra's fingers. The arrow speeds toward Carlisle and glances off his forehead, falling impotently to the ground. Integra internally curses herself with a string of profanity worthy of the entire British Navy, but on the outside she only grimaces.

"We move on to Walter, with no arrows on the board," Probst prompts.

Walter draws his bow and takes aim. He knows that attempting to strike a vulnerable spot in the Unstet's skull would be a risky move, so he's going to play this conservative. Esme tries to be as brave as Carlisle, but her lower lip quivers and her gentle eyes are as wide as a doe's when caught in the headlights. He releases the bowstring, and the arrow _schings_ through the air to sink into target right next to Esme's left ear. Esme sighs with relief, and Walter gives her a wink. Marring her sweet countenance would've been a shame. She reminds him of a nanny he used to bang when Integra was a small child.

"Walter's on the board. Can Alucard get closer than that?"

Bella shouts distraughtly. "Where's Edward? Where's the rest of my family? Where is my daughter?"

"Answer me one question and I'll tell you whatever you want," Alucard bargains while aims his weapon at the target. "Who played Bruce Wayne in the Batman movie released in 1989?"

"Wasn't it Christian Ba—_chsdht_." The arrow now punctures Bella's uvula, because Alucard will not stand to hear _that_ cretin's name associate with the Bat Man.

"And Alucard is now the one to beat with his arrow mere centimeters from the bull's-eye. Jasper, you have one arrow and one shot at winning this challenge."

Even as only a head, Rosalie is haughty. Her pretentious nose is in the air as always. With steely coldness Jasper raises his weapon and closes his eyes. The only thing guiding him is his desire to put this bombastic bimbo in her place.

"For Regis," he murmurs and looses his arrow. The shaft flies cleanly through the air and the point drives directly into Rosalie's nostril, sticking at the exact center of the target.

* * *

Thank you for reading and reviewing. As soon as I'm done with the uncut scenes then I'll deal with some AU scenes that I've had in mind. As always, I owe everything to my readers.

Ta

Master of the Boot


	4. Archery Aftermath and Zorin

Survivor Vampire Island: The Director's Cut

The Battle with Zorin and Archery aftermath

Disclaimer: I do not own Survivor, Hellsing or Twilight. The original story is owned by Lion in the land and I seriously suggest you check it out.

Author's note: In S:VI, Probst survives. Not in this version. Also, somebody asked for a more graphic death for Zorin. Here it is :)

* * *

Alucard is less then pleased with the results of the challenge. The sparkly weenie has bested him at the bow. Alucard knows he has nobody to blame for this but himself. With the Nosferatu's clairvoyant third eye he possesses, he should never miss his target with any kind of ranged weapon. He didn't mean to win, but that's a moot point.

His original objective on this island was to see that his master won the competition. To do that, he was not only prepared to sacrifice himself, but to resort to any dirty underhanded tactic that he could get away with. While Millennium robbed him of the chance to get some cheating in, they did give him a chance to rake down some serious carnage. He's grateful for that much.

His strategy has not changed; he'll readily sacrifice himself to see that Integra does not wind up in Millennium's hands.

Alucard chalks up Integra missing her target to her want of cigars and booze. Has to be. That and the fact she's well on her way to developing fatty liver disease and her lung capacity ain't what is used to be is of no help to Integra.

The next challenge is soon to be announced and Alucard wants to add to his arsenal. He's gathering up the remaining arrows from the last challenge. From underneath his jacket, Alucard conjures a bottle of holy water, blessed by the Archbishop of Canterbury. First he grabs Integra's arrow off the sand and gives the tip a little sprinkle of the blessed H2O.

Looking up from the ground, he turns to spot the head of Carlisle. His blond heads is perched on top of a small wooden table. Alucard stares at Carlisle in the eyes. In those topaz eyes rapidly turning black, Alucard can find no trace of fear. How odd, Alucard is used to inspiring fear in people. Hell, he enjoys it. But seeing not a trace of it in this misguided vampire's eyes is oddly . . . calming? He quickly moves on without a word.

Carlisle notices Alucard's slightly reverent look but doesn't say a thing... He figures that a guy like Alucard would like to keep it hush-hush. Like kissing a man who you thought was a woman, you don't acknowledge it in any way except with knowing glances and awkward silence.

Next Alucard moves over to Esme and yanks the arrow from the palm tree next to her head. He casually informs the mothering Unstet, "I've always found you very attractive but let's not kid ourselves, I'm still waiting for Integra to reach the right age."

"What the bloody hell does that mean?" shouts Integra.

Alucard is the picture of cool and calm. "It's nothing for you to concern yourself over, my master."

Next he reaches Rosalie, everyone's spoiled little princess. He greets her like a hated enemy, "Hey Rapey, how passes the day?" He makes a crude reference to Rose's "tragic" past.

She begins to form an f-bomb before he painfully yanks the arrow from her stuck up nose. The pain of it causes her to shout out, "Slimy son of a bitch!"

He casually leans against the wooden table. He gives this arrow a bit more holy water to wash off the Unstet venom, which will quickly dissolve the arrow head and render it a useless piece of composite material. "Listen, Rapey, and listen to me very well. As of right now, I have a headache. If you prove useful to me, you won't aggravate my headache. If you aggravate my headache, _I'll eat your pretty little niece_." On the italicised quotes, Alucard's hair floats and twists like the hair of Medusa and his monstrous grin takes up the whole bottom of his face; flashing off a mouthful of teeth that would make a Great White Shark envious.

Rose is horrified, next to Emmett's penis; Renesmee is the thing she loves most in the entire universe. She'd die for that child. The thought of that madman, stealthily sneaking into Renesmee's room in the dead of night without anyone knowing and . . . and. . . .

The thought is too horrible to entertain. It's time for her to realize that Alucard isn't some ego inflated jock at the innumerable high schools she's been too. He's batshit insane and wouldn't think twice about raping your family to death and mowing you down with a machine gun. The man is a hardened killer without remorse.

She tries to be gracious in defeat, "I won't give you any trouble." For now.

Alucard chuckles, "That's the spirit, skank." He then runs a gloved hand through her golden locks. She's going to need a Shinto priest and a fuckload of expensive shampoo in order to purify her hair when this is all over.

And now there is Bella. The usually docile Cullen is now snarling and snapping. Her razor teeth make short work of the arrow. Alucard frowns, that was a pretty cool arrow she destroyed. She spits the last of the arrow from her throat.

Bella snarls at Alucard. It's a real proper snarl, scarier than anything on TV. "If you even dream about touching my child, I'll pull out your eyes, rip off your balls, put your balls into your eye sockets and put your eyes into your ball sack!" Bella has had a pretty rough time on this island. Rose made a total fool of her in the rain and during her imprisonment by Millennium, she's had a lot of pent up frustration and aggression.

Alucard doesn't have enough time to give Bella a witty comeback because his ears are tormented by the bubbly idiocy of Geoff Probst, now a sand zombie in an electrified diving suit. "Hey guys, you don't want to keep the Major waiting! I mean, you wouldn't know it but he has a very short attention span."

Alucard sneers at the once cute Probst.

His attention is captured by Bella's growling head. How the hell can a severed head talk, let alone growl? Curiosity getting the better of him, Alucard reaches down and yanks up the head of Bella. To his surprise, it comes attached with a windpipe and two lungs like flexible lumps of granite.

The rest of the party looks on in surprise and horror.

Alucard just says, "That's new." Bella snarls at him again, this time it's enough to make a full grown lion piss himself. It just makes Alucard horny.

Her snarly fit calms down and Alucard puts himself face to face with Bella. "Hey girl."

"Yes," Bella is still angry, but she's also more than a bit afraid of Alucard.

Bella Cullen has a strong suicidal streak. Maybe he can work that to his advantage. "You care for your family, do you not?"

She bites her lower lip, an idiotic habit from her human days. "Yes."

Alucard presses his case to her. "And you would hate for them to get injured or hurt in any way, even that blond bitch."

Bella concedes reluctantly. "Yes."

"And you would love to kill anyone who had a hand in their imprisonment and humiliation?"

"Yes!" she cries vengefully.

"You would love to help me kill all who threaten your husband and daughter?"

"Yes!"

"I'm going to kill one of the men responsible!"

"YES!"

"Can I use your head as a softball?"

Bella is too thick headed for Alucard's words to register. She's seeing read and every bit of revenge is good. "Go for it!"

Alucard cautions her, hoping to get a little more fear out of her. Fear gives him a stiffy. "It's going to hurt, very badly."

She shouts, "Just do this! I want to see them all squeal like pigs for what they've done to my happy ending! I want to go to hell and die over and over again."

Alucard smiles, "You sound just like I did at your age." Except Alucard had a deeper voice.

Bella's look of horror is so comical and so epic that it should have a plaster cast made of it to be used as a Greek theatre mask. In a small voice she says to him, "Please don't say that."

Probst waddles in his armoured suit. "Guys, what's taking you?"

Shuffling towards Alucard proves to be a fatal mistake for the Geoffster. His slow sand zombie reflexes don't help him when Bella's head (with lungs) flies at him with as much force as an artillery shell.

Bella's skull proves to be harder than the electrified helmet. The electric charge badly scorches her head but it tears a gaping hole in the metal armour and shatters the bulletproof faceplate into oblivion.

Geoff fails to keep his balance and flies head over heels from the force of the blow. Landing flat on his back, Probst groans, sounding more like a proper zombie.

Alucard casually grabs a hand grenade out of his pocket and pulls the pin.

He pitches the hand bomb right into Probst's helmet. Probst notices the grenade but can't do a thing about it.

"Oh shi-

**BOOM!**

The now former host of survivor is blown into a million pieces. Only the bottom half of his body is intact. His upper body has been atomized and there's nothing left but sand, green gore and twisted metal. With ease, Alucard steps over the sand zombie's corpse, spitting on the remains as he does.

Carlisle calls to Bella's head. One lung has been burned off along with half of her hair. "Bella, are you alright?" There's an enormous burn mark just above her forehead and from this angle, Esme is horrified to realize that she can see Bella's brains.

In a dazed voice, Bella replies, "I like men."

Carlisle breathes a sigh of relief. Bella's going to be alright, she'll just be out of commission for a while.

Alucard faces the Major's smiling visage on the giant TV, who seems unshaken by Alucard's wonton violence.

Hellsing's trump card explains to the leader of the Leztest Battalion. "Sorry about your zombie, I just had to kill him. I couldn't help myself."

**(AN: Here we just skip the part where the Major issues the challange and removes Walter because that's all Lion in the Land's work.)**

The unlikely trio take off from the beach. Jasper takes the front of the column because he makes a great shield for Integra against bullets and bombs. It's a point which Jasper grudgingly agrees with. Alucard make up the rear guard while Integra is situated in middle. Anything that tries to sneak up on them will rapidly be sent burning back to hell.

The gang moves through the dense rain forest which is devoid of bird and insect calls. When they encounter rivers, Jasper makes himself useful by kicking down trees to use as bridges.

They move towards the center of the island, which is where Millennium tells them approximately is the rabbit's location.

Alucard is unhappy without something in front of him to kill. He'd rather be at Hellsing manor, rocking out to _Skeleton Witch_ and jerking it to _Buffy _porn in his special chair. According to the previews, the next comic upload will feature Buffy getting blasted on coke and fucking Xander with a two headed dildo. Oh yeah, that's what Alucard is into!

Jasper rips through a wall of vines like gossamer and holds it open for Integra. They are not that far from their target. Jasper knows this because he can smell the unique blend of bunny mixed with undeath.

Alucard can't believe how easy this challenge is going to be. Go out into the jungle and grab that stupid immunity idol which has been giving everyone the willies. Not him of course. He has a sex toy that looks just like it back home.

There's an upside to this challenge too. If all goes well, Alucard is going to be able to kill that fucking bunny. He grins to himself and reaches inside of his bottomless jacket. He pulls out a medium sized box. Jasper looks out of the corner of his eye to catch the contents of the box.

The moonlight reflects off of shiny high carbon stainless steel surfaces, casting Alucard's grill in a ghastly glow. From out of the box Alucard whips out a massive carving knife. The No-Life King proudly gazes over fourteen inches of German forged steel with oak handle. The blade is curved and features a flat grind which makes it stronger and heavier than a hollow ground knife.

Pointing his blade to the heavens like the subject of a Frank Franczetti painting, Alucard utters a throaty proclamation. "At last, my arm is complete again."

Jasper realizes that Alucard is channelling Sweeney Todd. This cannot be good.

Holding the knife in his teeth, Alucard takes off his hat and reaches inside of it. From his floppy fedora he withdraws a honking big .44 magnum with gold inlay on the barrel and a stylized "A" on the handle.

Integra's eyes bulge at the sight of the flashy weapon. "Where did you get _that!_"

Alucard easily deflects the situation. "I acquired this fine weapon before coming into the island. We had better be on the lookout, if my senses are correct, that idol will be up ahead very soon."

If Jasper has any money to bet, he'd say that this gun is another gift from the North London Mafia.

"Wrong guess" Alucard says after reading Jasper's mind. Then he whispers so that Integra can't hear. "It's a present from the Albanian Mafia in Soho, but don't tell my master or else."

Jasper is wondering just how deep Alucard is in with organized crime. It might explain why Alucard has a faint whiff of crystal meth coming off of him. He wonders if Integra is aware of Alucard's criminal activities.

At last, they've reached the lair of the rabbit. The bunny's lair sits in the center of a bowl shaped depression hollowed out from the island's volcanic rock. Bones are strewn everywhere; some are human and some are a bit more interesting. If one were to deduce, Millennium has been using this island as a dumping ground for their failed experiments for years.

Alucard can feel the rabbit's presence. This time, Jasper Whusslock won't stop him from getting his dues on that furry critter.

Integra is about to step down into the depression when Jasper holds out an arm to stop her. "Look" he says.

From out of a cave hops the bunny rabbit. It only goes for a short distance before hunkering down and moving its nose in a very rabbit like fashion.

"How dare you impede my movements," Integra huffs with indignation.

Since Integra doesn't understand the gravity of the situation, so Jasper explains it to her. "Don't go down there, Miss Hellsing. That there rabbit is the meanest tempered and dangerous animal in this hemisphere."

Alucard concurs, "He's right master. I've seen that rodent in action. It's like me if I were to do a great deal of coke."

Integra is shocked. "I cannot believe the both of you. To think that two mighty vampires such as yourselves are frightened by a little furry mammal."

Alucard snarls his displeasure most respectfully. "I am not afraid of that rabbit!" He can't speak for his companion.

Jasper however us a bit more mature about this. "Sir Integra, you haven't fought the creature. It attacked me and Alucard during the last challenge and it proved to be quite dangerous."

The No-Life King scoffs. "Of course that rabbit is dangerous. I created it."

Jasper's boyishly handsome features express a look of surprise.

Integra is furious at Alucard but manages to keep a leash on her anger. "How did you create that infernal creature?"

Her servant is honest. "When they served us live animals, a bunny got away. I bit it and was saving it for a bit of torture but I lost track of it?"

"Alucard, I would punish you but we are far too busy for that right now." Integra is less than impressed by her servant's lack of control. "How long have you known?"

"I had my suspicions when a ghoul monkey turned up but it was confirmed when the furry little bastard took my eyes out in a totally unprovoked attack."

Jasper retorts to this new revelation. "If it's your fledgling then you should be able to control it."

Alucard shakes his head. "Not in this case. The rabbit has feasted off of live blood and it has grown away from me; much faster than a human vampire would in fact. This is possibly due to the rabbit's higher metabolism and shorter lifespan. At the moment, all I could do would be to corral it."

Integra faces Jasper. In the pit, the rabbit has begun gnawing on what looks like a human bone that melted. "Mr. Whitlock, can your powers affect the lower order of creatures?"

The Whitlock is uncertain of the answer, although he's glad that she's not calling him Hale. "I'm not sure; I can sense animal's emotions depending on the animal. I've felt rabbit's emotions before but they are very faint and I'm not sure that I could influence them without being in very close proximity."

The course of action is very clear to Integra. "Alucard, go down there with Mr. Whitlock and tame that animal."

Alucard looks stunned for a moment. "Is that your order, my master?"

Integra will tolerate no insubordination. "Do not question me, slave."

In truth, her vampire was looking forward to killing that rabbit. Alucard hates children and animals, small ones the worst. However, there is no way around his master's orders. She's been so much more inflexible since that massacre in South America.

Alucard suggests to Jasper, "You go first." To accentuate his point, he shoves Jasper into the stony pit below. Jasper, with reflexes to make a panther look clumsy, rapidly rebounds, jumps to his feet and doesn't even get any dust on his expensive Joma Sport shirt or his camo coloured Cabela's shorts. His display of grace disgusts Alucard.

By contrast, Alucard seems to ooze into the pit as if he were made of slime. The man moves as if he had no bones. Jasper has never seen anything like it except for some of the more suspect characters in Emmett's anime collection.

Ignoring that Alucard pushed him, Jasper gives Alucard the spread. "You have to go ahead; animals normally hate my kind."

It's times like this that Alucard hates logic. Jasper is completely right. Putting on a good poker face, Alucard goes ahead of Jasper and starts to slowly approach the rabbit. Jasper can sense the waves of irritation like the rays of a tanning bed.

The rabbit's eyes follow the mismatched pair like a set of deep red marbles. The rabbit starts to growl at them. It would be a pretty cute sounding growl if one were to ignore the pearly fangs poking out of the rabbit's mouth.

Coat billowing out magnificently, Alucard starts to exert his psychic influence on the creature as its maker. He chants over and over the psychic waves, "_Calm down or I'll fucking kill you. Stay calm or I'll fucking kill you. I am your master; obey me or I'll fucking kill you._"

Jasper grasps the first faint strands of emotions off of the animal. The more complex a creature's brain is, the more vividly he can feel and control the emotions. It's hard, like grasping at dandelion seeds on the wind. Difficult, but if you move slowly enough it's very possible.

There, the first grasp on the rabbit's emotions. The little creature is full of fear. It's afraid of Alucard. It's afraid of dying, of not finding a mate and many other base fears. Unlike a regular rabbit however, this isn't flight fear. This is full on defence fear that makes the animal defend itself at all costs. Just to turn down that fear. Ah, there we go. He has a good grip on it.

Alucard can detect that Jasper has a hold on the lagomorph. The fangs are no longer showing. He changes the tone of his psychic commands. "_Stay where you are. You will not be harmed."_

Integra stands at the edge of the crater doing nothing and looking badass while she does it. That's pretty much all she can contribute to the effort at this point. Being human isn't all noble keep-your-soul type crap; there's a lot of doing nothing while the benevolent monsters do the dirty work. And with Alucard, benevolent is used in the loosest term possible.

Jasper glances around to make sure that no surprises drop in on them. Doing this, he notices that Alucard stinks. He never really noticed it before, but Alucard smells awful. It's like the guy hasn't changed his underwear since the fourteenth century. Earlier in the show, Alucard masked his overall lack of hygiene with a preposterous amount of _Axe _cologne.

The smell is starting to agitate the rabbit Alucard catches Jasper's thoughts. First, he puts the knife and the gun in his hatband; they stick up like a pair of mismatched antennae. Then he starts to find the source of the rabbit's discomfort.

Jasper watches Alucard yank a weeks old dead chicken out of his jacket and throw it aside. Then he grabs a used condom and throws that away. He pulls out a marble arm; Jasper realizes an Unstet arm. Alucard nearly throws it away; instead he kisses the arm and puts it back where he found it. Honestly, Jasper doesn't even want to know what this guy is carrying around with him.

Suddenly, Alucard has an epiphany. He pulls from his coat . . . a blood bag. He's had it with him for a while now in case he got hungry. It must have been why the rabbit attacked him in the first place. The blood is old, been in the heat for hours; that's probably why Jasper didn't pick up on it.

He throws it to the ground and the rabbit starts to feed. Jasper can feel the venom pooling in his mouth. It's rather sad; his father can wade through entire rooms of fresh blood without temptation and he's about to lose all control over a possibly rotten bag of blood.

The rabbit sucks the last of the blood down. Perhaps its rabbit tongue is incapable of the nuances of a more human vampire. Whatever the case, the blood is gone and so is the temptation. But by golly, Jasper is so jealous of that stupid little fur ball.

Alucard is smiling at Jasper in a cruel sort of way. He would take great pleasure in seeing the little cousin marrying southern douche slip and fall again. It's not enough that Alucard wants people to die; he also needs to see them fail at all they hold dear.

The seven foot vampire looks the vampire rabbit in the eyes. He uses what the late Pip Bernadotte referred to as "the sex beam." The rabbit melts under Alucard's influence.

He gently picks up the animal and starts stroking it. Alucard informs Jasper, "Mission complete; get the idol."

Jasper wastes no time. He sprints into the cave at speeds invisible to the human eye and proceeds to locate the demonic idol. The thing doesn't look very heavy, but for some reason it makes him doubt his strengh. He has a little inkling now of why the object frightened his wife.

Before he can grab it though, a lasso flies over his shoulder and snatches up the idol. With a flick of the wrist, Alucard spins the idol in a lazy circle with his rope lasso. During his Dracula days he spent a few years in Mongolia and learned knot tying and the art of the lasso. Of course back in those days his lasso skills were put to use on human necks during acts of banditry. But that's neither here nor there.

Alucard grins smugly at Jasper. "First rule of etiquette, Unstet; my master always gets first go at the immunity idol." He hollers over his shoulder, "Master ,CATCH!"

Alucard shoves the rabbit into Jasper's arms and screams like a little girl. "MASTER!" He runs up to his downed leader, all the way crying over and over again. "MASTER! MASTER! PLEASE DON'T BE DEAD!"

Seeing Alucard reduced to this state is pitiful. In an odd way, Alucard working himself into hysterics over his master resembles a great deal of some of Edward Cullen's more pathetic moments. Jasper hates Alucard, but he doesn't hate him enough to want to see this sad display.

Alucard jumps right in front of Jasper crowing in triumph, but it's false triumph. "Look, Unstet, my master has the idol of immunity!" Indeed, even unconscious, Integra still grasps the idol. To make sure that everyone knows it, Alucard uses his camera phone to document it.

Jasper is impressed by the Hellsing's will and good reflexes. It's too bad those reflexes didn't kick in today. Integra has a large circular imprint on her face from when the idol hit her. When she wakes up the bruises are going to hurt like a bastard. Also her glasses are a write off.

Alucard suddenly snarls with anger; anger at his outburst of emotion over his master, anger at his own foolishness for injuring his master and anger for his master being reduced to running errands for the Nazi scum. "Jasper, do you have medical training?"

Jasper is shocked; Alucard has never used his name before. "Edward went to medical school twice, but he taught me all he knew."

Alucard is blunt. "When we get back to the beach, tend to my master. If you cause her harm, Alice will be the first to die."

Jasper has had enough of Alucard's arrogance and emotional instability. He's not fit to lead men into battle. "You threaten Alice in any way and your master dies."

Alucard's eyes blaze with fury. He's a born aristocrat; disobedience is the greatest insult to him. His voice becomes a deadly whisper. "You dare? You dare to threaten my queen?"

Jasper puts his foot down. "I offer to help you if you help me; but I will not stand for anymore of your bullying or your threats."

This raises Alucard's hackles even more. This worthless worm demands that he bow down before him! Alucard hasn't felt anger like this in centuries. For ages, people everywhere have indulged his desires and sycophantically agreed with his every brooding proclamation and temper tantrum. Centuries of having his ass kissed have left Alucard poorly prepared to deal with somebody who tells it straight. I

Things take a sudden turn for the worst when strange purple symbols press themselves all over the surrounding environment and totally cover up Alucard like a cocoon.

* * *

Alucard blinks; his master is no longer in his arms. He is still in the clearing but there is no sign of the rabbit or Jasper.

* * *

Jasper blinks. There is no longer any sign of Alucard or his master. The rabbit he held within his arms is now gone as well.

He surveys the surrounding environment. He's still in the pit of bones but he's utterly alone.

All of the sudden, a high voice like a song bird shakes him to his core. Alice is running towards him and calling his name. All of his training and all of his discipline melt like butter.

* * *

Alucard spins around. Where is his master? Thank goodness that she's standing right there in front of him. He internally winces at the giant imprint left on her face but he's pretty sure there's a cold pack back at the camp.

Integra snaps at him with her usual curtness. "A fine servant you are; the Unstet scum has escaped with the idol. Go after him!"

Alucard remains rooted to the spot. He's tempted to actually go after Jasper except . . .

"Master, stand still."

Integra shouts at him. "Are you daft?"

Any further retort she could have made is cut off when Alucard gets the carving knife and slashes her throat to the bone. She gurgles as huge volumes of blood pour out of her body and all over Alucard.

He grins and her spraying blood turns his ivory teeth an eerie off pink.

* * *

Jasper takes off like a rocket and hugs Alice tighter than he's ever hugged her before. The sound of them colliding is like a rockslide heard through rock concert speakers.

As usual, words fail Jasper. Thankfully his wife picks up the slack. "I missed you," she chirps and nuzzles his neck.

* * *

Integra trips backwards, blood pouring from her. Betrayal and hurt are in her eyes, but Alucard just grins.

"It's a very convincing illusion you've put together. I nearly fell for it."

"Integra" is struggling much weaker now: not so much blood is leaking out.

Alucard straddles the impostor. "The problem is that you have no idea about human physiology. What human could possibly take a hit like that and ignore it. I know human limits too well. It's seems you have forgotten."

The imposter Integra dissolves into a mass of purple symbols.

Alucard grabs the Albanian gun and cocks it. "And let's not forget the whole purple thing. As if I wouldn't notice that."

* * *

Jasper fears that if he lets go of Alice, Millennium will get her again. The words are so hard to choose. "How did you escape?"

Alice seems to shiver in his arms as if she's cold. He feels her fear, apprehension and love. Strangely enough, the emotions seem muted somehow. It must be the love. He's been hanging around Alucard for so long, a source of unending hate that he needs to get reacquainted with other emotions.

Holding Alice feels like a dream, like it's not real. When Alucard jumps from nowhere and slices Alice in half, it feels like a nightmare.

With his giant knife, he chops Alice at the waist. She screams in agony and clutches Jasper so hard that it hurts.

Alucard looks at Jasper's face. He finds the other man's suffering to be funny. Easily he yanks off the illusion Alice and throws her to the ground.

Jasper was infuriated with Alucard, but some things aren't adding up. Alice is gushing blood. As graphic and horrifying that image is, Unstet don't bleed because they have no blood. This isn't Alice.

He watches as Alucard slashes at the background behind him as if he were eviscerating a stage facade. Purple symbols issue forth from the slashes in the air and the entire illusion falls apart.

They're standing in the depression littered with bones, but they're not alone. Integra is still unconscious and unharmed except for the giant circular mark on her face. Her broken glasses hang off her ears.

Jasper is lying down on the ground, pinned down by five FREAKs per arm. Two of the artificial vampires stand above him with incendiary powders. For some reason they're not moving.

And then without warning, the two FREAK vampires fall into bloody pieces on the ground. Alucard did more than just cut through the illusion.

Jasper winces as a head lands right between his legs and some intestines land on his stomach. Now that the FREAKs have been mowed down, Jasper has a good view of Alucard.

Alucard is looking pleased as punch with himself. The guns of the Nazis are trained on him, as are the rocket launchers and one guy carrying what looks like a rip off of Seras Victoria's Harkonnen cannon.

Jasper scans the surrounding and his tactical mind begins to form a plan. Integra is out cold and held between two vampires. The leader of this group of Nazi monsters is a figure more flamboyantly weird that Rip Van Winkle and possibly even Alucard.

The Nazi leader is a tall, muscular figure with close cropped blond hair that may or may not be a woman. There are small breasts but those might be from steroid use. The leader holds a giant scythe of ludicrous proportions and most bizarre of all, her/his entire right side is covered with strange grey tattoos which seem to change depending on what angle you view them.

The man/woman speaks. So it's a woman after all. "_Guten Morgen_, boys. Any last vords before ve kill you?"

Alucard just laughs in amusement. "So, this butch lesbian with bad breath is the leader of this pitiful group of mincing faggots. Truly it seems that Nazi recruitment standards have fallen."

Zorin Blitz shows anger at Alucard's statement but keeps some measure of control. "There ist nothing for you to laugh at, _Hellsing Hund_. We haff your master. Ve are in charge!"

Alucard examines his knife and happily spins his Albanian gun on his finger. "The thing about Nazis is that they're all like toads. They look impressive to an outsider but they're really all a bunch of puffed up toads. All the real men live in Russia."

Zorin grunts and pops a cig into her mouth. "Ve _fiertsig_ soldiers are mightier than the whole Russian army!"

Alucard chuckles; it's so much fun to play around with these pitiful fools. The Cullens may be a sad bunch, but these Nazis just make him want to cry. "Alright, you have me at a disadvantage; I didn't bring any ice cubes. I've seen how vulnerable you Germans are to frostbite."

While Alucard handles the witty banter (it's his thing) Jasper has catalogued all the soldiers and their abilities. Based off of what he saw with Rip Van Winkle, Zorin is most likely the one with the ability to cast the illusions. His plan is to break free of his captors and take Zorin's head off with a single bite. But where'd the rabbit go to?

Alucard decides it's time to end this farce. He cuts off Zorin's retort. "Are you threatening my master?"

"Don't play stupid, count. Your master's life ist ours, ve—

"I said, are you threatening my master?" He holds his knife as delicately as a flower. It's just as beautiful as one to him.

Zorin glowers. "_Ja_, _wir sind bedrohen ihr Meister_."

Alucard gives Zorin an easy smile. "That's all I wanted to know." From there, things happen awfully quickly.

The rabbit, hidden underneath Alucard's jacket and still under his hypnotic spell shoots into the open like a bat out of hell and attacks one of the Nazis holding down Jasper. Taking advantage of their shock, Jasper jumps to his feet and spins in a circle. Centrifugal force causes the Nazis to lose their hold. No longer encumbered by ten undead Nazis, Jasper crouches down like an American football player and gets ready to launch.

Alucard ignores Jasper and focuses on his master. He throws the knife at one of the Nazi's heart, slicing it in half. The other one has his head blown off by a forty four calibre bullet. He gently catches his master before she hits the ground. Alucard's massive jacket opens up like the wings of a giant bat and he flies his Master to safety.

Safety turns out to be high in the fork of a tree. Alucard doesn't want to be removed from the battle for too long. "I will be right back," he assures her.

Alucard takes off his jacket and charcoal suit and rips his shirt off, exposing his manly build. He's got prison muscle; fast lean muscle that can quickly deliver a killing blow. Though he is thing, every muscle practically bulges out of the skin. All of his is covered by a thick layer of black curly hair, all over his chest, back, shoulders and arms. Half concealed by the lush body hair is a black tattoo of Genghis Khan. If Genghis were here, he'd probably calmly sip his tea and order Alucard to begin the unholy slaughter.

Throwing of his hat, Alucard flexes his muscles in a sinewy display of brawn. With his abundant head and body hair and his sharp teeth, Alucard looks more like a beast than a man. He whispers to himself, "Let's have some fun."

Jasper charges the FREAKs, slamming them down like nine pins. He would have hit Zorin like an eight hundred pound cannonball but one of the troops shoots him in the thigh with an armour piercing bullet. Jasper trips and slams into a stone wall. Zorin in front of him and a sinister grin crosses her face.

Zorin puts her hand down on the ground, the eye in the center of it glows a nauseating purple. From out of the center of her palm, purple and grey symbols spread out. The symbols clump together in three dimensional shapes and start to grow. Soon, a giant humanoid is taking shape. That giant humanoid finally fleshes itself out as a gargantuan doppelganger of Zorin Blitz.

Jasper's jaw drops at this phenomenal sight while Alucard merely gets to the butchering, reclaiming his knife. It's just an illusion but he won't tell Jasper. The giant Zorin raises her scythe . . . and suddenly a horde of rotting hands grab onto her legs as well as the legs of everyone in the clearing, Jasper included.

And then that's when Jasper feels the rage—terrible, all consuming rage. He's feeling so much rage that it hurts him. His final rational act is to not contaminate everyone in this clearing with this awful rage. If Alucard gets even a whiff of this stuff it's all over for everyone. After that, Jasper just answers the call of nature.

The creatures that erupt out of the ground physically resemble ghouls in every way except that these creatures sport eyes with noticeably haemorrhaged vessels. The effect is that it turns their sclera a dirty red. The rage ghouls waste no time in ripping into the numerically inferior vampires tooth and claw.

The FREAKs try to fight back, but there are too many of the rage ghouls and they are taken off guard by their ferocity and speed. Normal ghouls are slow. These things could compete for a gold medal at the Olympics and win. Machine guns spit bullets. Hearts are shot to no effect but brain shots prove effective in putting down the menaces.

Jasper runs through the FREAKs and rage ghouls like a headless chicken. The rage of these creatures controls him utterly. Zorin desperately cuts down the creatures with her giant scythe but her men cannot fight the ghouls, Jasper and Alucard at the same time. They're being swamped down like spiders before a tide of army ants.

Integra wakes up high in the treetops. Her face hurts like a bitch and parts of her immediate memory are a little foggy. Sitting up, she nearly falls but a well placed branch keeps her where she is. A few stray rage ghouls are climbing up the tree with alarming speed.

Integra curses at this development. Thankfully Alucard was kind enough to give her a gun from Leon Kennedy's stash and ample ammunition as well as his bow and the three arrows. Well, those rage ghouls won't kill themselves.

Alucard is having a ball. Blowing off heads with the Albanian gun, he uses his knife to slice off the legs of the FREAKs, allowing the rage ghouls to fall on them.

One such FREAK suffers just such a fate and screams to his mother as he's torn apart. Interestingly enough, the rage ghouls don't seem to eat their victims by the way they spit out the hunks of meat. They're only trying to kill their victims.

Zorin defends herself but only just notices Jasper barrelling down. She tries to cut him down with her scythe, but he strikes the flat of the blade and shatters the weapon. Jasper then grabs Zorin by the throat and they strike a large rock enough to cause it to partly break apart.

Zorin grabs as jasper's arm as he tries to drive a piece of her scythe blade into her face. She's much stronger than the other FREAKs so the point of Jasper's impromptu weapon stops just short of her eye.

Strong as she may be, she's not fuelled by borrowed fury. Jasper never lets up his arm.

Zorin twists her head as Jasper tries to shove the jagged piece of metal through her skull. Suddenly, her strength fails and Jasper violently drives the piece of metal through her mouth.

She shrieks horribly as the metal blade protrudes through the back of her skull. The pain doesn't last long because Jasper grabs her by the ankle and swings her into the stone ground.

The impact jars loose the metal blade but Jasper swings again, shattering every bone that matters. He suddenly lets go as a rage ghoul attacks him.

Zorin tries to crawl far away enough for her bones to regenerate. Already they're starting to knit. Unfortunately she finds herself flipped over and greeted by Jasper's snarling visage. His eyes are as black as tar.

Like a savage running wild, Jasper reaches down and rips off Zorin's breast. The masculine lady vampire shrieks in agony as her withered breasts are torn off, along with a good chunk of pectoral muscle.

From muscle memory, Jasper recalls how to disable an opponent. He grabs Zorin's foot and sharply twists it; causing her knee to shatter with a sick crunch.

Vainly, Zorin tries to bite Jasper's hand but it just breaks her teeth.

The last thing she sees is Jasper's demonic visage before he drives his thumbs into her eyes, causing her to squeal like a pig.

Wow, how the mighty soldiers of the Reich have fallen.

Jasper slams his foot into her face. He raises his leg and smashes her again and again like some demented piston. He stomps on Zorin's face until it's nothing but a bloody stain on the ground.

Alucard's gun roars for one last time. The last of the rage ghouls falls.

Jasper stops what he's doing and looks around bewildered. Is it over already?

Alucard lets out a long breath. He could use a cigarette after that. His shaggy body hair is stained with various fluids and he couldn't be happier. He stares down Jasper with glee in his eyes. "I've got to hand it to you, you went off the wagon. Thankfully you kept yoru filthy power to yourself."

Jasper gets marginally happier at that statement. Yeah, he did show some restraint with his power. More than some restraint, he performed a miracle. His parents will be so proud of him when they get freed. If they get freed.

Before the two can get any more chummy, Integra calls to them. She's dropped her gun and used up the last of the arrows. One last rage ghouls grasps at her. "GET ME OUT OF THIS FUCKING TREE!"

Alucard epties his gun out and loads a single cartridge into the chamber. Before he can shoot, Jasper hurls the immunity idol after taking it from a Nazi's cold dead hand. In a fit of déjà vu, the Idol hits the rage ghoul right in the head.

Integra watches the idol do its work on the ghoul. All the rage seems to drain from the creature. Its eyes go dull and it falls to the ground. It was more than just head trauma.

Now it's time to get back to the beach. "Alucard, get your shirt back on!"

Grudgingly, Alucard complies with that order.

Jasper, ever the southern gentleman jumps up into the tree and takes Integra down bridal style.

Rather than be grateful, Integra is repulsed by Jasper's touch and jumps out of his arms at the first chance she gets. "Get off me, you fucking homo!" she shouts at the Cullen boy.

With his shirt on, Alucard gets his jacket on while cheering his master. "Yes, Sir Integra Wingates Hellsing! Give him some more!"

"Shut the fuck up, Alucard!" Her outburst shuts even Alucard's ever flapping mouth. Jasper tries to hide how Integra hurts his feelings but Alucard wears his emotins on his sleeve.

Right now the vampire of Hellsing is looking like somebody took away his toy.

Just then, the vampire bunny hops up to Alucard and snarts to nuzzle around his ankle like it wants to be petted.

It's so _cute_.

Alucard however doesn't have an interest in stroking its fur. Rather than pet it, he grabs the rabbit and throws it into the air. Then as it comes down, he picks up a disembodied nazi limb and uses it as a baseball bat.

He hits the rabbit right out of the park. It shrieks in terror as it flies over the tree tops.

Alucard laughs merrily as he hears a sound like the rabbit landing on something sharp, followed by squeals of pain.

Integra can't hear any of this but Jasper can. He's also appalled by how readily the tormenting of animals makes Alucard happy.

Even more horrifyingly, Integra seems strangely unpeturbed by this behaviour. It's as if she's seen far worse from her servant.

As integra and Jasper start to leave with the idol, Alucard hears something move. Zorin is not quite dead. It would seem that her head is not totally destroyed. She is still alive.

Not to worry, Alucard will fix that.

Integra and Jasper both turn arund as they hear a two stroke engine start. They see Alucard raise a small chainsaw into the air before bringing it down towards Zorin's crotch.

"Come on," Integra says to Jasper. Despite his reputation as a killer, Jasper is a very delicate boy and Integra doesn't wish to scar his mind further. Even if she does think that he's a fucking homo.

* * *

Thank you for reading this and thanks to all the people who put this on alert. Sorry it's been so long but now this story is up again. School starts for me in about two weeks. After that, updates will become a lot slower. Just warning you.

I had fun writing this. Lion in the Land is just a bunny fiend, but after a while that fluffy vampire bunny started to get on my nerves. I really can't describe animals as cute. Babies are cute. Animals are just wild.

Ta

Master of the Boot


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